Clicklaw Wikibooks - User contributions [en]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T18:00:59Z

Justin Werb: /* Parents' refusal to visit */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]''.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society] or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and consistency in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

Under section 63 of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' if a parent routinely fails to exercise parenting time or contact, then the other parent can apply to court to be reimbursed for the costs associated with the failure to exercise the scheduled time. In an application brought under this section, a Court may also order a parent or both parents to participate in family dispute resolution, have one or both parents and/or child attend counseling or specified services or programs or involve a supervisor for transfers of a child. Addressing missed visits is a process option that was not previously available to parents under the old legislation.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]
* [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 9, 2014}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
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[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T18:00:05Z

Justin Werb: /* Parents' refusal to visit */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]''.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society] or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and consistency in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

Under section 63 of the ""[[Family Law Act]]"" if a parent routinely fails to exercise parenting time or contact, then the other parent can apply to court to be reimbursed for the costs associated with the failure to exercise the scheduled time. In an application brought under this section, a Court may also order a parent or both parents to participate in family dispute resolution, have one or both parents and/or child attend counseling or specified services or programs or involve a supervisor for transfers of a child. Addressing missed visits is a process option that was not previously available to parents under the old legislation.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]
* [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 9, 2014}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
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[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:56:21Z

Justin Werb: /* Links */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]''.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society] or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]
* [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 9, 2014}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
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[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:55:09Z

Justin Werb: /* Links */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]''.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society] or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]
* [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
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[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:53:29Z

Justin Werb: /* Children's refusal to visit */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]''.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the [http://hearthechild.ca Hear the Child Society] or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:47:47Z

Justin Werb: /* Children's refusal to visit */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]''.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the Hear the Child Society or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:47:17Z

Justin Werb: /* Children's refusal to visit */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the Family Law Act.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the Hear the Child Society or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:46:42Z

Justin Werb: /* Children's refusal to visit */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The Family Law Act confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the Family Law Act.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the Hear the Child Society or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:45:06Z

Justin Werb: /* Children's refusal to visit */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

Children can be resistant to change and transitions can be difficult for them. Sometimes children will not want to leave one parent and this could be the result of many things, not necessarily a real desire not to see the other parent. Separation anxiety, misplaced loyalty or simply a reaction to all the changes a child may be facing can be common reasons for resistance to visits.

The Family Law Act confirms that when determining what parenting plan is in a child’s best interests, the court and the parties must consider the child’s “view, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them” (section 37(2)(b)).

There is no age provided in the Family Law Act as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule. While people typically think the age of12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, this age is not confirmed nor reflected in the language of the Family Law Act.

Generally, children should not have to be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that he or she does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider. A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.

A child’s interests are not necessarily served by limiting contact with one parent when a child requests it. It is important to know why a child is taking a resistant position and to address any underlying factors that may be affecting the child’s choice in the matter.

Private counselors and other resources, such as the Hear the Child Society or Voice of the Child reports by Family Justice Workers can aid parents when this type of behaviour occurs. If a child is consistently refusing to see the other parent, then it is important to know why.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:40:34Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:38:20Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:36:20Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
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[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Property and Debt in Family Law Matters

2014-06-09T17:34:08Z

Justin Werb: /* Separating */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = assets}}
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a fact sheet on
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1639 How to divide property and debts]
}}This chapter focuses on the division of property and debt between married spouses and unmarried spouses. Under the provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'', spouses are presumed to keep the property that each of them brought into their relationship and to share in the things they acquired during their relationship. The same rules apply about debt. Spouses are presumed to share responsibility for the debts that accumulated during their relationship. The federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'' doesn't talk about the division of property or debt.

This introductory section provides basic information about property and debt. It also looks at the rules about property that apply to couples who are not spouses, and reviews some of the income tax issues that can come up when dividing property. The sections that follow will go into the rules about the [[Basic Principles of Property & Debt in Family Law|division of property and debt]] in a lot more detail, the steps that you can take to [[Protecting Property & Debt in Family Law Matters|protect family property]], and [[Dividing Property & Debt in Family Law Matters|how property and debt are divided]] by the court through court orders and by spouses through separation agreements.

==Dividing property and debt under the ''Family Law Act''==

The parts of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' that talk about the division of property and debt apply to people who are ''spouses''. The definition of spouse for these parts of the act are a bit different from the rest of the act. For the division of property and debt, a spouse is:

#someone who is married or was married to someone else, or
#someone who is or was living in a "marriage-like relationship" with someone else for at least two years.

People who lived together for less than two years are ''not'' spouses for these parts of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', whether they've had a child together or not.

Property and debt can be divided under the terms of a cohabitation agreement or a marriage agreement that the spouses made around the time they began to live together, or under the terms of a separation agreement that they made around the time they separated. If the spouses can't reach an agreement, a court can make an order about the division of property and debt.

Court proceedings for the division of property and debt must be started within two years of:

#the date of ''divorce'' or ''annulment'' for married spouses, or
#the date of ''separation'' for unmarried spouses.

===Family property, excluded property and family debt===

The ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about three things when it comes to dividing property and debt: ''family property'', ''excluded property'', and ''family debt''.

All property owned by either or both spouses at the date of separation is ''family property''. This includes things like real property, bank accounts, pensions, business, debts owing to a spouse, and so forth. Family property is presumed to be shared equally between spouses, regardless of their use of or contribution to that property.

''Excluded property'' is any property that is excluded from the pool of family property to be split between spouses. This includes the property a spouse owned before the date of marriage or the date the spouses began living together, whichever is earlier, plus certain kinds of property acquired during the spouses' relationship, including:

*property that was bought with the property brought into the relationship,
*inheritances and gifts, and
*certain kinds of insurance proceeds and court awards.

Excluded property is presumed to remain the property of the spouse who owns it.

All debt incurred by either or both spouses from the date of marriage or the date the spouses began living together, whichever is earlier, to the date of separation is ''family debt''. Responsibility for family debt is presumed to be shared equally between spouses, regardless of their use of or contribution to that debt.

===Beginning and ending a spousal relationship===

As you can see, certain dates in a couple's relationship are really important. The date a relationship begins ― the earlier of the date the spouses begin to live together or marry ― is the date that separates the excluded property brought into the relationship from the family property acquired during their relationship and is the date when spouses begin to share responsibility for new debts. The date the spouses separate, generally speaking, marks the end of the accumulation of shared property and shared debt.

====Living together and marrying====

Under s. 3(3) of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', a relationship between spouses begins

<blockquote><tt>... on the earlier of the following:</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) the date on which they began to live together in a marriage-like relationship;</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(b) the date of their marriage.</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

Since the definition of ''spouse'' at s. 3(1)(b)(i) includes people who have lived together "for a continuous period of at least 2 years," once you have reached the two-year mark:

#you and your partner are spouses, and
#your relationship as spouses began two years earlier, on the date you began to live together.

====Separating====

Although a married couple are married until they get a divorce, the key date for the division of property and debt under the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' is the date of separation. This date is important for both married spouses and unmarried spouses.

Although many people move out when they separate, other couples separate and remain living under the same roof. A physical separation is not necessary to separate; there must simply be an intention to end both the relationship and the intimacies that go along with it. Often the decision to separate is made by both spouses, but it only takes one spouse decide to end a relationship, and one spouse's decision to separate doesn't require the consent of the other spouse.

Section 3(4) of the act says this:

<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(a) spouses may be separated despite continuing to live in the same residence, and</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>b) the court may consider, as evidence of separation,</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(i) communication, by one spouse to the other spouse, of an intention to separate permanently, and</tt></blockquote></blockquote>
<blockquote><blockquote><tt>(ii) an action, taken by a spouse, that demonstrates the spouse's intention to separate permanently</tt></blockquote></blockquote>

In other words, to separate, one spouse must announce the end of the relationship and then take steps that would demonstrate an intention to end the relationship. Separation is discussed in more detail in the chapter [[Separation & Divorce]], in the section [[Separation]].

===Property brought into the relationship===

Under s. 85(1)(a), property that was brought into a relationship is excluded from the pool of family property that is supposed to be divided equally between spouses. Under s. 96, the court "must not" order a division of excluded property, except in limited circumstances. A spouse is therefore normally entitled to keep the excluded property he or she owned when the relationship began. Under s. 85(2), however, it is up to the person who's saying that property is excluded property to prove that the property is excluded property.

For most couples, property brought into a relationship will form the largest component of a spouse's excluded property. However, when most people marry or move in together, counting up their assets is not the foremost thing on their mind. This means that you may wind up having to do some historical accounting to figure out what you had one, two or more years ago. Whether you're just starting a relationship or are trying to figure out what you once had, these are the documents you need to look for:

*bank statements for the period that includes the date you began to live together or got married, whichever came first,
*RRSP, RIF, LIRA and other retirement savings account statements for the same period,
*any employee pension statements that cover the date you began to live together or got married,
*mutual fund and other investment account statements for that period,
*any BC Assessment statements for the year in which you began to live together or got married,
*mortgage and line of credit statements for the period that includes the date you began to live together or got married, and
*credit card and loan statements for that period.

It will be a harder to look back in time to figure out the value of things like cars, motorcycles, trailers, boats, snowmobiles and so on. If you're entering a relationship now, it will be helpful to look up the [http://www.canadianblackbook.com/ Canadian Black Book] or [http://www.kbb.com/ Kelley Blue Book] estimated values for vehicles. Boats and trailers may need to be specially valued by a dealer.

===Property and debt acquired during the relationship===

In most circumstances, the property either or both spouses acquire during their relationship will be family property, but there are some important exceptions.

====Family property====

Under s. 84(1) of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', family property is the property owned by one or both spouses on the date of their separation, including any property bought after separation with family property. Section 84(2) give some examples of specific assets that are family property, including:

*interests in companies, businesses, partnerships and ventures,
*money owed to a spouse, and
*bank accounts, savings, pensions and RRSPs.

Family property also includes the amount that any excluded property grows in value after the date the spouses' relationship began or after the excluded property was acquired, whichever is later.

Under s. 81, family property is presumed to be shared between the spouses equally, regardless of their use or contribution to that property.

For information on how to share CPP credits see [[How Do I Divide Our CPP Pensions after We're Divorced?]] It's located in the ''How Do I?'' part of this resource in the ''Miscellaneous'' section.

====Excluded property====

The sort of excluded property that can be acquired during a relationship is described in s. 85(1), and includes:

*gifts,
*inheritances,
*certain court awards and settlements,
*certain insurance payments, and
*property held in trust, providing that the spouse didn't put the property into the trust.

Excluded property that is acquired during a relationship is presumed to remain the property of the spouse who owns it. However, under s. 85(2), it is up to the person who's saying that property is excluded property to prove that the property is excluded property.

====Family debt====

Under s. 86, family debt is all debt incurred by either or both spouses during their relationship up to the date of their separation, but can include debt incurred after separation if the debt was incurred to maintain family property, like a loan taken out to pay the property taxes.

This definition means that debt incurred by a spouse before the spouses married or began to live together is that spouse's personal debt; it's only the new debt that they share. Under s. 81, responsibility for family debt is presumed to be shared between the spouses equally, regardless of their use or contribution to that debt.

===Dividing property and debt: an example===

Let's look at an example to make things a bit easier to understand.

<blockquote>Harkamal moved in to live with Baljinder in his home in 2009, when Baljinder's home was worth $300,000; Baljinder has no mortgage.</blockquote>
<blockquote>Harkamal starts going to college in 2010 and because she's not working, she takes a personal loan to help pay for her tuition fees, lab fees and textbook costs. Baljinder keeps working while Harkamal is at school, and with his income, he pays for the property taxes, car insurance, utilities and groceries and so forth. He's also able to put some money away into RRSPs.</blockquote>
<blockquote>Harkamal and Baljinder separate in 2013. When they separate, Harkamal owes $12,000 for her personal loan, Baljinder's house is worth $400,000 and Baljinder has saved $30,000 in RRSPs.</blockquote>

In this example, Baljinder's house is his ''excluded property''. It was worth $300,000 when Harkamal began living with him, and it has increased in value by $100,000. The ''family property'' is the RRSPs that Baljinder saved, plus the increase in value of Baljinder's house during the relationship. The ''family debt'' is Harkamal's loan which was incurred entirely during the parties' relationship and is now up to $12,000.

Boiling this all down, Baljinder would get:

*$300,000 as the value of the home he brought into the relationship,
*$50,000 for one-half of the growth in the value of his house to the date of separation,
*RRSPs worth $15,000, and
*responsibility for $6,000 of Harkamal's loan.

Harkamal would get:

*$50,000 for one-half of the growth in the value of Baljinder's house,
*RRSPs worth $15,000, and
*responsibility for the remaining $6,000 of her loan.

==Property claims and people who aren't spouses==

People are not spouses within the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' definition at s. 3, described above, cannot make a claim for the division of property or debt through that act. When people who aren't spouses own an asset jointly, like a house or a car, they are presumed to each be entitled to half of the value of that property. Where a person claims a share of property owned only by the other person, he or she will have to prove an entitlement to that asset through the principles of the common law.

===Jointly-owned assets===

Where a couple are both on the title of an asset, whether the family home, a car or a bank account, they are each assumed to have an equal interest in the asset. When one party refuses to give the other his or her share of that asset, it is open to that person to start a court proceeding for either:

#an order for the sale of the asset and the division of the proceeds of the sale, or
#an order for payment in compensation for his or her interest in the asset.

Where real property is jointly owned, it is possible to make a claim under the provincial ''[http://canlii.ca/t/848q Partition of Property Act]''. Section 2 of this act says that:

<blockquote><tt>(1) All joint tenants, tenants in common, coparceners, mortgagees or other creditors who have liens on, and all parties interested in any land may be compelled to partition or sell the land, or a part of it as provided in this Act.</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><tt>(2) Subsection (1) applies whether the estate is legal or equitable or equitable only.
This act allows a co-owner, including someone with only an equitable interest in the property, potentially including an interest under the law of trusts as discussed below, to apply for an order that the property be sold and the proceeds of the sale divided.</tt></blockquote>

In other words, if you jointly own real property with your partner, you can apply to court for an order that the property be sold and the proceeds of the sale be split between you.

===Individually-owned assets===

Where a person believes that he or she should have an interest in property owned only by the other person, a claim against that property can only be made under the common law, specifically the law of equity and the law of trusts.

The essential point of this sort of claim is that the non-owning party has, or should be considered to have, a stake in property owned by the other party. The non-owning party's interest in that property is said to be held ''in trust'' for the non-owning party by the person who owns the property on paper. The non-owning party is the beneficiary of that trust and should be entitled to receive compensation for his or her interest in the property under the trust.

There are three kinds of trust claim that may be made:

*a constructive trust,
*an express trust, and
*a resulting trust.

A ''resulting trust'' happens when the behaviour of the parties will let the court infer the existence of a trust relationship; an ''express trust'' is a trust relationship that people intentionally enter into; and, a ''constructive trust'' is imposed in order to compensate someone for their interest in property when the interest can't be paid out immediately. Resulting and constructive trusts are the most common kind of trusts involved in family law disputes about property.

Needless to say, this area of the law can be complex. If you find yourself in a situation where your only claim to an asset or a share of an asset is through trust law, it is recommended that you hire a lawyer to handle your claim.

====Resulting trusts====

A resulting trust can be created in the following circumstances:

*one party loans or gives money to the other party to allow him or her to buy an asset, and the person buying the asset owns the asset in his or her name alone, or
*one party transfers property to another without payment.

In each case, the person who transfers the money or asset to the other party is said to retain an interest, called a ''beneficial interest'', in the property even though the property is held by the other party in his or her name alone. In a court proceeding based on a resulting trust, the person making the claim, the ''claimant'', is asking for compensation for his or her beneficial interest in the property owned by the ''respondent'', the person against whom the claim is brought.

====Unjust enrichment and constructive trusts====

A constructive trust is called ''constructive'' because the claimant is asking the court to create or impose a trust on the respondent where there wasn't one before. According to the Supreme Court of Canada's decision in the 1980 case of [http://canlii.ca/t/1mjv ''Pettkus v. Becker''], [1980] 2 S.C.R. 834, one of the most important cases on constructive trusts, the court will impose a trust on a respondent where the claimant is able to show that the respondent has been ''unjustly enriched'' as a result of the claimant's labour or other services. Unjust enrichment is shown by proving that:

#the respondent was enriched as a result of the claimant's contributions,
#the claimant was correspondingly deprived, and
#there is no legal reason for the respondent's enrichment.

''Enrichment'' means to have received a benefit or advantage, such as money or the benefit of unpaid labour or other services. ''Deprivation'' means to have lost the value that might have been otherwise received for the claimant's benefit or advantage, such as the loss of the money or the wages that might have been paid for labour or other services. The deprivation must ''correspond'' to the enrichment, in the sense that the claimant was deprived of exactly the thing from which the respondent benefited. If the claimant can show these things, he or she will have established that the respondent was ''unjustly enriched'' by his or her contributions, and the court may impose a constructive trust to fix the situation.

(There are two other case from the Supreme Court of Canada that are critical in understanding constructive trusts, a 1993 case called ''[http://canlii.ca/t/1fs3f Peter v. Beblow]'', [1993] 1 S.C.R. 980, and a 2011 case called ''[http://canlii.ca/t/2fs3h Kerr v. Baranow]'', [2011] 1 S.C.R. 269 . To get a proper understanding of the law relating to constructive trusts, you should read all of ''Pettkus v. Becker'', ''Peter v. Beblow'', and ''Kerr v. Baranow''.)

Here's an example:

<blockquote>Frank moves into a home owned by Lois. Frank's role in the relationship is that of a homemaker while Lois works outside the home and brings home the bacon. Frank also, out of the kindness of his heart, helps Lois with her web design company, doing her books because he used to be a bookkeeper.</blockquote>
<blockquote>Lois doesn't pay Frank for his labour; perhaps it's understood that Frank is helping out with a common cause, since Lois' company is what provides the family with its income, or perhaps Frank's help is just one of the things he does because he loves Lois. Either way, payment isn't offered and it's not asked for, as is often the case when people are in a relationship.</blockquote>
<blockquote>Frank's labour in the home, cooking, cleaning and tidying, allows Lois to devote her time to the web design company, and saves her from having to hire a housekeeper and a cook, not to mention having to hire an office manager for the company.</blockquote>
<blockquote>Frank, on the other hand, is losing something. Frank could have sold his services as a housekeeper, a launderer and a cook. Frank could certainly have worked as an office manager or bookkeeper for some other company. Furthermore, Frank has made a positive contribution to Lois' company and helped it thrive and prosper.</blockquote>
<blockquote>The months pass. Lois' company has grown in value, and the relationship comes to a tragic end when Frank discovers that Lois' trips to visit the handsome internet service provider in Alberta were for both business and pleasure.</blockquote>

In this example, Lois was unjustly enriched by Frank's labour in the home and his contribution to the web design company, as she didn't have to hire an office administrator or a housekeeper. Frank, on the other hand, lost out on months of wages as an office administrator, and months of wages as a housekeeper. Lois was enriched by exactly the thing Frank was deprived of: his labour, and the financial value and benefit of his labour.

Once an unjust enrichment has been found, the court must determine what the appropriate remedy would be to compensate the applicant for his or her interest in the property. The court will often determine the value of the trust based on the value of the contribution made by the applicant to the property or the purchase of the property.

In the example above, a concrete value can be attached to Frank's contributions to the company and to his labour in the home: what would it have cost to hire a housekeeper and a bookkeeper during that period? Or, how much did Lois' company grow in value as a result of Frank's efforts? This is the beginning of fixing a dollar value on Frank's interest in the company and in Lois' house.

Again, trust claims are complex and the case law supporting and opposing such claims is massive. If you are not a spouse and wish to make claim against property owned only by your partner, I recommended that you hire a lawyer to help.

==Tax issues==

For many people, there will be no tax impact from the division of their assets. There will, however, be a tax impact if the division creates what the [http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/menu-eng.html Canada Revenue Agency] deems to be ''income''.

The most common kind of taxable income people have is employment income. Some other kinds of taxable income include:

*the money you get when you cash in an RRSP,
*money received by a shareholder from a company as a dividend or from the sale of his or her shares,
*the interest you get from a loan you've made to someone else, and
*the profit realized from the sale or transfer of real property that isn't the family's principle residence.

When you report this sort of income in your tax return, the CRA considers it to be taxable income, income that may be taxable at different rates.

The purpose of this part of this section is to alert you in a general way to the possibility that there may be tax implications as a result of family property being divided, and that there are sometimes ways to avoid this sort of unfairness. This is, however, a complex area of family law, and if you have a problem of this nature, you really should get the advice of a lawyer who specializes in tax issues; store-bought or online tax software will not identify these issues. You probably don't want to pay any more tax than is absolutely necessary!

===Avoiding unfairness===

The tax consequences of a particular arrangement in a court order or separation agreement can be taken into account when property is being divided, since the payment of tax by one party may fundamentally change the fairness of the agreement or order. Consider this example:

<blockquote>Say Eli receives $100,000 in cash and George receives a rental house worth $100,000, and the cash and the rental house are all part of the family property. At first glance, this seems like a fair, equal split of the family property, which together comes to a total of $200,000. In fact, it isn't.</blockquote>
<blockquote>No tax will be payable by Eli as a result of receiving the cash. Tax will be payable by George if the rental house has to be sold, since it wasn't the family's primary residence. If the tax payable on the income George earns from the sale is $20,000, really, Eli has received $100,000 and George has received $80,000. If you count the tax that George has to pay, the division of the family property wasn't equal at all.</blockquote>
<blockquote>To make the split equal, Eli should pay George an extra $10,000 so that each spouse will have $90,000 once the rental house is sold.</blockquote>

The same problem can arise if one spouse has to sell an asset in order to satisfy an order or agreement for the division of property and debt, such as making a lump-sum payment to equalize the value of the assets held by each party. This may result in the CRA assessing an extra amount of taxable income to the party who had to sell the asset, with the consequence of an additional tax debt owed by that party to the CRA.

There is an easy way to avoid unfair tax consequences and preserve the intention of the agreement or court order: the agreement or order can recognize the negative tax consequences of a particular term and compensate the affected spouse, as in the example involving the rental house above. If you need to convince a court to take tax considerations into account in dividing assets, there are three general rules you should keep in mind:

*each case will depend on the particular circumstances of the parties,
*you should be able to provide an estimate of the tax which will be payable, and
*you must be able to show that the sale or transaction that will result in tax being payable is likely to occur in the reasonably near future.

===Dividing RRSPs===

Normally, if you wish to cash out an RRSP, you have to pay tax on the RRSP as if the RRSP was taxable income, like employment income. Under the federal ''[http://canlii.ca/t/7vb7 Income Tax Act]'', transfers of RRSPs between spouses are tax neutral, under what are called the ''tax-free spousal rollover'' provisions of the act.

When RRSPs are to be transferred between spouses according to a separation agreement or court order, the RRSPs are simply transferred between the spouses' RRSP accounts without having to cash them out, and no tax is payable.

===Real property===

When a piece of property is to be transferred between spouses according to a separation agreement or court order, the parties should use the province's [http://www.bcrelinks.com/download/ptt/pttform2.pdf Special Property Transfer Tax Form], to take advantage of the tax-free status of transfers between spouses made pursuant to family agreements and court orders. This form is normally completed during the process of transferring title to the property at the Land Title and Survey Authority, and no tax will be payable on the transfer.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===

* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[http://canlii.ca/t/848q Partition of Property Act]''
* ''[http://canlii.ca/t/7vb7 Income Tax Act]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1240 Canadian Bar Association BC Branch: Dividing property and debts]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1529 Justice Education Society: Workbook for parents separated with children on dealing with finances]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1639 Legal Services Society’s Family Law Website: How to divide property and debts]
* [http://www.bcrelinks.com/download/ptt/pttform2.pdf Special Property Transfer Tax Return]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[JP Boyd]], April 19, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
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[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:31:42Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquoteblockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquoteblockquote>
<blockquoteblockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquoteblockquote>
<blockquoteblockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquoteblockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:29:26Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><tt><blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><tt><blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><tt><blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:27:49Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

<blockquote><tt>(In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:</tt></blockquote>

<blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:26:49Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:

<blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;</tt></blockquote>
<blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.</tt></blockquote>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:23:54Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time.

The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective.

Section 40 (4) reads:

In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:

<blockquote><tt>(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;<blockquote><tt>
<blockquote><tt>(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;<blockquote><tt>
<blockquote><tt>(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.<blockquote><tt>

Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Parenting Apart

2014-06-09T17:13:46Z

Justin Werb: /* Parenting after separation */

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

Some psychologists and many separating parents believe that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one of equal time. The Family Law Act specifically dismisses this perspective. Section 40 (4) reads In the making of parenting arrangements, no particular arrangement is presumed to be in the best interests of the child and without limiting that, the following must not be presumed:
(a) that parental responsibilities should be allocated equally among guardians;
(b) that parenting time should be shared equally among guardians;
(c) that decisions among guardians should be made separately or together.
Children need their parents to continue to contribute to their care and upbringing after separation. Further, children have the right to expect their parents and caregivers to work together, whenever possible, to ensure the child’s needs are met.
Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the link to the federal Department of Justice's [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/toc-tdm.html Parenting Plan Tool], and the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

===Recommended reading for parents===
The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
This website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting plans] that links to three useful resources pages:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist], and
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope].

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Justin Werb]] June 25, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]

Talk:Changing Family Law Orders and Agreements Involving Children

2013-08-10T00:37:26Z

Justin Werb: /* New cases on relocation */

Hi Nate - thanks for the message. Definitely will review the case - we are due to have a team meeting later this month and will discuss this case and a few other cases at that time. Edits should be forthcoming shortly!
--[[User:Justin Werb|Justin Werb]] ([[User talk:Justin Werb|talk]]) 17:37, 9 August 2013 (PDT)

==New cases on relocation==
Editors of this page (Justin, Ron and Mary) may want to see if the new Supreme Court case [http://canlii.ca/t/fztt9 L.J.R. v. S.W.R.] means that any changes to the section on "Relocating with or without a child" should be considered.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 15:49, 9 August 2013 (PDT)

Parenting Apart

2013-06-25T23:06:17Z

Justin Werb:

{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}}
{{Clicklawbadge
| resourcetype = resources for parents who are separating, including information about the
| link = [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation program]
}}This section is all about putting your children first. It provides a brief introduction to parenting after separation and looks at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. It also provides a selection of related parenting resources and reading materials.

While the other sections in this chapter discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate, they do not talk about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

==Introduction==

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner. This is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

===Language===
{{LSSbadge
| resourcetype = a booklet that includes highlights of language changes between the ''Family Law Act'' and the ''Divorce Act'':
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the BC Family Law Act]
}}The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access," used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of his or her role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

===A few notes from JP Boyd===

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this section should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

==Parenting after separation==

The general consensus among psychologists specializing in childhood development is that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one in which both parents contribute equally, or near-equally, to the raising of their children and have an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with them.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

===Parenting tips===

The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.

'''Things to think about:'''

*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of cooperation.
*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer, or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, to act as a messenger, or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult.
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

'''Children may be harmed if they:'''

*are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents,
*are told that one parent is good and the other is bad,
*are encouraged to take sides, or
*don't feel free to love both parents and also stepparents.

'''Parents may harm their children if they:'''

*don’t prepare children for changes that will occur,
*burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes,
*compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children,
*badmouth or blame the other parent in the children’s presence or earshot, or
*expect children to comfort them.

===Parenting schedules===

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age, and each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

====Unequal time====

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

::{| width="65%" class="wikitable"

!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic Recommended Time

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited Parenting Skills

!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good Parenting Skills

|-

|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit

|-

|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''4 to 5 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''6 to 8 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight visit, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''9 to 12 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays

|-

|align="center"|'''13 to 18 years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

|}

====Equal time====

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By grade two, many children are able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

===Parenting plans===

A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration:

*The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.
*The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls.
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.
*Nine-year-olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.
*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.)

Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document.

===Sample parenting plans===

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the following parenting plans that are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online.

*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample1.doc Sample #1]: developed for a young child with a primary parent, frequent contact with the other parent but no overnight visitation and addresses safety and transportation issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample2.doc Sample #2]: developed with a primary parent, every other weekend visitation and addresses substance abuse issues
*[http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/pdf/sample3.doc Sample #3]: developed as a 50/50 shared parenting plan and addresses extra-circular activities and summer vacations

Note three things about the Idaho plans:

#Much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly.
#The plans refer to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete.
#The plans can adapted to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Parenting Time Guidelines] found in the Indiana Rules of Court, which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

===Common visitation issues===

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section.

====Weekends====

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

====Statutory holidays====

Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into account when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

====Special days====

When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

====School holidays====

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

====Children's refusal to visit====

No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

====Parents' refusal to visit====

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether.

==Parenting resources==

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar, or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

===Programs and agencies===

The [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Parenting After Separation program] is run by the provincial Ministry of Justice. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Family Justice division through [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2638 Clicklaw]. You can download the [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Parenting After Separation program's handbook] online, in English, Chinese, Punjabi and French.

The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children], a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and includes mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [http://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at:

<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone 
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote>

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/helpmap/service/1019 Clicklaw's HelpMap] or at:

<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-6828 
Victoria: 250-952-4111 </blockquote>

The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html federal Department of Justice] website has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. It has a [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html Family Law] section in which you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.
In the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html Family Law] section, there is a link to the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/index.html Custody and Parenting page which links to four sub-categories of information. These are:
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html Create a parenting plan], which has links to three useful resources pages,
**[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans],
**[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.html Parenting Plan Checklist] and
**[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/index.html Parenting Plan Tool]
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/pc-pe.html Protect your children]
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html Help your kids cope]
*[http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/grand.html Information for grandparents]
There is a [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/child-enfant/look-rech.asp child support calculator] located in the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html Family Law] section.
The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html federal Department of Justice] backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources listed above will be available soon.

===Recommended reading for parents===

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery

*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman

*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources that may be helpful. The [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Supporting Families] website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation, and other topics relating to a child's well-being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

===Recommended reading for children===

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

The provincial Ministry of Justice has published two websites at [http://www.familieschange.ca www.familieschange.ca] designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. One is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The federal Department of Justice has published a book for 9- to 12-year-olds called ''[http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/cal/2013/index.html What Happens Next?]'', available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

==Resources and links==

===Legislation===
* ''[[Family Law Act]]''
* ''[[Divorce Act]]''

===Links===

* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1527 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program Participants]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses]
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)]
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation program]
* [http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines]
* [http://fourthjudicialcourt.idaho.gov/ada/parenting_plans.html Sample Parenting Plans Idaho]
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course]
* [http://www.informationchildren.com/ Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website]
* [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/ Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website]
* [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website]

{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[JP Boyd]], March 24, 2013}}

{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}}
{{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

User talk:Justin Werb

2013-06-20T00:24:45Z

Justin Werb:

==Comments for Justin==
Here is a test [http://www.wikipedia.com link to Wikipedia]. Justin, I think I fixed the problem. - Nate

User talk:Justin Werb

2013-06-20T00:22:41Z

Justin Werb:

==Comments for Justin==
Here is a test [http://www.wikipedia.com link to Wikipedia].

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T23:56:13Z

Justin Werb:

==Test with Justin==
'''NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans'''--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Department of Justice] has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the [http://www.wikipedia.com Family Law page] on the Department's nicely redesigned ''website'' and click on the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html "Custody and Parenting"] link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" link will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Child Support Calculator]. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T23:55:06Z

Justin Werb: /* Test with Justin */

==Test with Justin==
'''NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans'''--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Department of Justice] has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the [[Family Law page]] on the Department's nicely redesigned ''website'' and click on the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html "Custody and Parenting"] link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" [[link]] will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Child Support Calculator]. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T23:47:36Z

Justin Werb: /* Test with Justin */

==Test with Justin==
'''NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans'''--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Department of Justice] has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the [[Family Law page]] on the Department's nicely redesigned website and click on the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html "Custody and Parenting"] link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" [[link]] will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Child Support Calculator]. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T20:08:05Z

Justin Werb:

==Test with Justin==
NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Department of Justice] has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the [[Family Law page]] on the Department's nicely redesigned website and click on the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html "Custody and Parenting"] link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" link will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Child Support Calculator]. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T20:07:28Z

Justin Werb:

==Test with Justin==
NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Department of Justice] has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the [[Family Law page]] on the Department's nicely redesigned website and click on the [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html "Custody and Parenting"] link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" link will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the Child Support Calculator. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T20:06:26Z

Justin Werb:

==Test with Justin==
NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/index.html Department of Justice] has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the [[Family Law page]] on the Department's nicely redesigned website and click on the "Custody and Parenting" link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" link will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the Child Support Calculator. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T20:05:24Z

Justin Werb:

==Test with Justin==
NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The Department of Justice has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the [[Family Law page]] on the Department's nicely redesigned website and click on the "Custody and Parenting" link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" link will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the Child Support Calculator. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]

Talk:Parenting Apart

2013-06-19T20:02:39Z

Justin Werb:

==Test with Justin==
NB: Nate and Justin are testing how and where to place this update regarding parenting plans--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 12:57, 19 June 2013 (PDT)

The XXXXXXX Department of Justice has continued to expand its excellent Supporting Families Experiencing Separation and Divorce Initiative with three important new public legal education resources designed to help separating parents create parenting plans for their children.

If you go to the Family Law page on the Department's nicely redesigned website and click on the "Custody and Parenting" link you'll see four main subjects:
Create a parenting plan
Protect your children
Help your kids cope
Information for grandparents
Clicking on the "Create a parenting plan" link will take you to a new page with links to the three new resources, Making Parenting Plans, a Parenting Plan Checklist and a Parenting Plan Tool. The Department's backgrounder says this about the first and third resources:
"Making Plans gives parents information about what issues they need to address when coming up with a parenting arrangement after divorce (ex. schedule for time with children), as well as the processes that they can use to come up with this arrangement (ex. mediation, negotiation). This product promotes agreements between parents by emphasizing the importance of good communication, reducing conflict, and building a co-parenting relationship that focuses on the best interests of children.
"The Parenting Plan Tool is a companion product to Making Plans. It is a practical guide to help parents develop a parenting plan. The Parenting Plan Tool contains sample clauses that parents can use as a starting point in developing their parenting plan."
These resources all give good, practical advice about planning for the care of children after separation and are well worth reading. The Department's backgrounder says that a PDF version of the resources will be available soon; that may be easier to use than the web-based version which breaks the resources into individual pages that can be somewhat difficult to browse through.

Another very useful feature of the Family Law page is the Child Support Calculator. You can't go wrong when you get your calculations from the horse's mouth.

== New sample parenting plans from DOJ ==
JP's [http://bcfamilylawresource.blogspot.ca/2013/06/department-of-justice-releases.html blog from June 11] brings to light new resources from the Department of Justice's website dealing with parenting plans. They appears to be a checklist and even a recommended sample precedent ([http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/p2.html that starts here]). The sample is awkwardly split up over a couple of webpages that you have to click "Next Page" to keep on reading. This information would be a good candidate to copy and paste into a single, downloadable PDF of Word Doc. The Canadian government expressly allows this provided on the following terms:
<blockquote><tt>Users are required to:

Exercise due diligence in ensuring the accuracy of the materials reproduced;
Indicate both the complete title of the materials reproduced, as well as the author organization; and
Indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in affiliation with, or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.</tt></blockquote>--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 10:44, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:Thanks, Nate - I think we need to update the page as outlined in JP's Blog. I will email Justin and Ron and hopefully between the three of us, we can edit the page. If we need help, we'll let you know. Note: by edit page, I suspect that means Justin will edit....M--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 10:50, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

::Excellent, [[Mary Mouat]]. Note how for me to respond to your comment now, all I do is add two colon marks to indent it that much more. If you look at this comment in Edit mode you will also see that I left a link to your username by bracketing it with a pair of square brackets.--[[User:Nate Russell|Nate Russell]] ([[User talk:Nate Russell|talk]]) 11:17, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

:: Hopefully this works--[[User:Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat]] ([[User talk:Mary Mouat|talk]]) 14:06, 12 June 2013 (PDT)

== This page needs a refresher ==

I haven't really reviewed this page in several years. But in rereading it now, it needs a bit of a refresher. I'm not suggesting major changes, but it should be read critically for content, flow and tone and edited as necessary. -- 18:15, May 19, 2013‎ [[Jpboyd]]