Parenting Apart: Difference between revisions

While the other parts of this chapter, especially the section [[Basic Principles of Parenting after Separation]], discuss the legal issues involved in deciding how children <span class="noglossary">will</span> be cared for after a couple separate, they don't say much about the practical day-to-day issues involved in parenting after separation and options for dividing children's time between their parents' homes. This section will briefly discuss what it means to parent after separation and how separation affects children, but mostly focuses on building good parenting arrangements. It might help to read the section on [[Separating Emotionally]], under the [[Separating and Getting Divorced]] chapter, when you're done here.

Separation can also see changes in the roles played by parents. A parent who hasn't been particularly involved with the children may become more involved; a parent who used to be very involved may step back a bit. This can be challenging for some parents, and what needs to be kept in mind is that children need all of the adults in their lives to do their best. A parent becoming more involved is almost always something that is good for children. What harms children is conflict, conflict in both intact and separated families. On the other hand, sometimes stepping back, at least for a little while, can reduce conflict.  

Words like "custody" and "access" are still used in some provinces. These are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their roles and responsibilities in the children's lives. This, and a wish to refocus the "rights" involved in parenting more on children than on parents, are two of the big reasons why the provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. They're also why the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'' was overhauled on 1 March 2021 to get rid of "custody" and "access" and instead talk about spouses who exercise ''decision-making responsibilities'' for their children and have ''parenting time'' with them, and people who aren't spouses who may have ''contact'' with a child. These changes are huge improvements in the legislation about parenting after separation.

It's impossible to emphasize enough how important it is to always put the children first. Having said that, putting the children's needs and interests ahead of your own can be extremely challenging when you're also trying to cope with the intense emotions involved in separation. It can be tremendously difficult to refrain from badmouthing your former partner to the children, never mind put energy into supporting their relationships with your former partner. However, if you care about your children, you don't really have a choice.

*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children.

*Do not let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; do not get caught in the middle. Do not let the children become caught in the middle.

Sometimes, a little bit of work on your communication skills helps. Partly, good communication after separation is about leaving the past behind you, at least as far as the end your relationship is concerned, and choosing your words carefully; think not just about ''what'' you're saying but about how the other parent is likely to ''hear'' what you're saying. There are also some really effective communication techniques that can improve how you have difficult conversations with the other parent, such as [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening active listening], being alert to the assumptions you're making, and being aware of your body language and how it influences what other people think you're saying. Bill Eddy, a lawyer and social worker known for his work with high-conflict families, talks about how poor communications can put people into a defensive "react" mode rather than a constructive "respond" mode. Mr. Eddy says that communications after separation should be brief, informative, friendly and firm, and I recommend his book on the subject, ''[https://www.amazon.com/BIFF-Responses-High-Conflict-Personal-Meltdowns/dp/1936268728 BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns]''.

The terms the legislation uses to describe the plans that are made by parents and judges are a bit of a mess. Under the provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'', "parenting arrangements" are arrangements about parental responsibilities and parenting time made after separation, whether those arrangements are in an agreement or in an order. "Parenting arrangements" doesn't include agreements and orders about contact. I suppose those would be called ''contact agreements'' and ''contact orders'', although the legislation doesn't say so. Under the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', a "parenting order" is an order about decision-making responsibility and parenting time, and a "contact order" is an order about contact just like you'd expect. A "parenting plan," on the other hand, is the part of a written agreement about decision-making responsibility, parenting time, or contact. "Parenting plan" doesn't include arbitrators' awards or judges' orders.

In this section, we'll use ''parenting schedules'' to talk about the allocation of parenting time between parents, and ''parenting arrangements'' to talk about the distribution of parental responsibilities and parenting time between parents, following the approach taken in the ''Family Law Act''.

<blockquote>"The argument that a presumption would render the law more predictable in a way which would do justice in the majority of cases and reduce conflict damaging to the child between the former spouses also founders on the rock of the ''Divorce Act''. The Act contemplates individual justice. The judge is obliged to consider the best interests of the particular child in the particular circumstances of the case. Had Parliament wished to impose general rules at the expense of individual justice, it could have done so. It did not. The manner in which Parliament has chosen to resolve situations which may not be in the child's best interests should not be lightly abjured. Even if it could be shown that a presumption in favour of the custodial parent would reduce litigation that would not imply a reduction in conflict.  The short-term pain of litigation may be preferable to the long-term pain of unresolved conflict. Foreclosing an avenue of legal redress exacts a price; it may, in extreme cases, even impel desperate parents to desperate measures in contravention of the law. A presumption would do little to reduce the underlying conflict endemic in custody disputes."</blockquote>

*the views and preferences of the child, especially for children who are old enough to have an opinion and understand how their parents' separation and their own preferences might impact their lives,

Parenting schedule templates will offer additional variants based on the age of the children. There many good reasons for this too. A child who is being breastfed won't be able to be away from their mother for very long, and the sort of parenting time the other parent will have will usually need to be short but frequent. A toddler is better able to handle being away from a parent for an extended period of time, say one or two days, but will need to see both parents frequently. A child who is starting school suddenly has a schedule that's got nothing to do with their parents, and a child who is leaving elementary school will not only have homework and extracurricular activities that need to be taken into account, but the beginnings of a social life that is going to become increasingly important to them as they get older. A teenager's social life will be in full bloom and it may be more important to teenagers that they spend time with their friends and in their extracurricular activities than with their parents. The reality is that parenting schedules ''have'' to change based on the age of the child and, eventually as teenagers, their preferences. The schedule that works for a toddler won't work for a kid in Grade Two, and the schedule that works for a kid in Grade Two won't work for a kid in Grade Eight. That's just how it is.

This last template has the children with each parent every other week, and is sometimes called a ''week on, week off schedule''. The children only transition between home A and home B once per week, and the transition day can be moved anywhere in the week. Transitioning on Mondays or Fridays after school will usually cause the least disruption from the point of view of the kids and their teachers.

*both parents could share all parental responsibilities, but one of them will have the final say in case the parents don't agree about a decision, or

There are no good options for planning a parenting schedule around shift work. At a minimum, the parent with the shift work will need to tell the other parent about their work schedule as soon as they find out about it &mdash; the more notice that can be provided the better! &mdash; and the other parent must be prepared to be as flexible as possible in accommodating the children's time with the parent. The parent with the shift work must accept that the children and the other parent have schedules of their own that may limit the time the children can spend with them. Both parents need to think about how care for kids can be arranged when neither of them can do it, since few daycare providers work on a drop-in basis. And both parents must learn to be patient, tolerant and forgiving toward each other.

The summer holiday can be handled the same way as the winter break and the spring break, except we're talking about a much longer period of time. Parents also usually need to cooperate to make decisions about travel and vacations, the children's time with relatives, the children's participation in day camps and overnight camps, and the children's participation in sports during the summer holiday. While parents also need to figure out will the kids be cared for if one or both of them have to work, remember that there's no rule at all that summers have to be split equally. Other common reasons that summer holidays might not be divided equally include a parent's poor parenting skills or disengaged parenting style, a child who has trouble being away from a parent for extended periods of time, and a parent who usually spends a minimal amount of time with the kids the rest of the year.

Children's parenting time with a parent can be ''conditional'' upon the parent doing something, like buckling the kids into car seats when driving, or not doing something, like not smoking around the kids. If the parent fails to meet any of the conditions of their parenting time, they may not be able to spend time with their children until they do meet those conditions. Parenting time can also be conditional upon a parent ''not'' doing something, like not driving with the children or not smoking around the children.  

A parenting schedule could also require that a parent's parenting time be ''supervised'' by someone, including the other parent, a grandparent, another relative or a friend, or even by a person who specializes in supervising parenting time. (There are a number of organizations that provide professional supervision services for a fee.) Just like conditional parenting time, supervised parenting time should be limited to circumstances when the parent or their behaviour poses a risk to the children. Supervised parenting time is usually intended to be a temporary response to a short-term problem, not a permanent condition of the children's time with a parent.

Children benefit from stability and predictability; children with special needs especially benefit from stability and predictability. It is disruptive to them and to the other parent when a parent misses their parenting time, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. It sends a message to the children that they don't matter to the parent or that other things, like work, are more important to the parent than they are. As well, both parents need to be able to rely on their parenting schedule; this benefits children by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits parents by allowing them to plan their lives when they're apart from their children.