Difference between revisions of "Parenting Apart"
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*''Divorce is a Grown Up Problem'', by J. Sinberg (ages 4+) | *''Divorce is a Grown Up Problem'', by J. Sinberg (ages 4+) | ||
*''Let’s Talk About It: Divorce'', by F. Rogers (ages 5+) | *''Let’s Talk About It: Divorce'', by F. Rogers (ages 5+) | ||
*''On Divorce'' by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone (ages 3+) | *''On Divorce'', by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone (ages 3+) | ||
*''What’s Going to Happen to Me?'', by E. Leshan (ages 9+) | *''What’s Going to Happen to Me?'', by E. Leshan (ages 9+) | ||
*''Why Are We Getting a Divorce?'', by P. Mayle and A. Robins (ages 6+) | *''Why Are We Getting a Divorce?'', by P. Mayle and A. Robins (ages 6+) | ||
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*the age and maturity of the child, and their ability to be away from a parent, especially for younger children and children who are being breastfed, | *the age and maturity of the child, and their ability to be away from a parent, especially for younger children and children who are being breastfed, | ||
*the child's need for stability, especially for younger children and children with special needs, | *the child's need for stability, especially for younger children and children with special needs, | ||
*the views and preferences of the child, especially for children who old enough to have an opinion and understand how their parents' separation and their own preferences might impact their lives, | *the views and preferences of the child, especially for children who are old enough to have an opinion and understand how their parents' separation and their own preferences might impact their lives, | ||
*the pattern of the parents' usual time with the child when they were still together, | *the pattern of the parents' usual time with the child when they were still together, | ||
*each parent's ability to care for the child, including the presence of any family violence, | *each parent's ability to care for the child, including the presence of any family violence, | ||
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====Creating a parenting schedule==== | ====Creating a parenting schedule==== | ||
There's really no limit to the ways that children's parenting schedules can be arranged, as long as the schedule is in children's best interests and practical from the parents' perspective. A search online will give you dozens of parenting schedule templates that you might want to think about | There's really no limit to the ways that children's parenting schedules can be arranged, as long as the schedule is in the children's best interests and practical from the parents' perspective. A search online will give you dozens of parenting schedule templates that you might want to think about. What's important is that the schedule works for the children and for their parents. | ||
A lot of the templates you'll see will offer variants based on the parenting skills of each parent. This is an important consideration when you're thinking about the schedule that is most likely to be in the children's interests. While there are many families in which the parents split the task of parenting fairly evenly and both have excellent parenting skills, there are others in which one parent takes on most of the work involved in raising the children, and there are many perfectly good reasons why this might be the case. However, it's not always fair to measure parenting skills based on how the work involved in parenting was split during the relationship. The parent who did the least parenting might, for example, have had a job that supported the family and occupied most of their time, but might otherwise be or want to be an engaged and committed parent. It's important to think about the actual parenting skills of each parent, not just how they divided up parenting responsibilities before separation. | A lot of the templates you'll see will offer variants based on the parenting skills of each parent. This is an important consideration when you're thinking about the schedule that is most likely to be in the children's interests. While there are many families in which the parents split the task of parenting fairly evenly and both have excellent parenting skills, there are others in which one parent takes on most of the work involved in raising the children, and there are many perfectly good reasons why this might be the case. However, it's not always fair to measure parenting skills based on how the work involved in parenting was split during the relationship. The parent who did the least parenting might, for example, have had a job that supported the family and occupied most of their time, but might otherwise be or want to be an engaged and committed parent. It's important to think about the actual parenting skills of each parent, not just how they divided up parenting responsibilities before separation. | ||
Parenting schedule templates will offer additional variants based on the age of the children. There many good reasons for this too. A child who is being breastfed won't be able to be away from their mother for very long, and the sort of parenting time the other parent will have will usually need to be short but frequent. A toddler is better able to handle being away from a parent for an extended period of time, say one or two days, but will need to see both parents frequently. A child who is starting school suddenly has a schedule that's got nothing to do with their parents, and a child who is leaving elementary school will not only have homework and extracurricular activities that need to be taken into account, but the beginnings of a social life that is going to become increasingly important to them as they get older. A teenager's social life will be in full bloom and it may be more important to teenagers that they spend time with their friends and in their extracurricular activities than with their parents. The reality is that parenting schedules ''have'' to change based on the age of the child and, eventually as teenagers, their preferences. The schedule that works for a toddler won't work for a kid in Grade Two, and the schedule that works for a kid in Grade Two won't work for a kid in Grade Eight. That's just how it is. | Parenting schedule templates will offer additional variants based on the age of the children. There many good reasons for this too. A child who is being breastfed won't be able to be away from their mother for very long, and the sort of parenting time the other parent will have will usually need to be short but frequent. A toddler is better able to handle being away from a parent for an extended period of time, say one or two days, but will need to see both parents frequently. A child who is starting school suddenly has a schedule that's got nothing to do with their parents, and a child who is leaving elementary school will not only have homework and extracurricular activities that need to be taken into account, but the beginnings of a social life that is going to become increasingly important to them as they get older. A teenager's social life will be in full bloom and it may be more important to teenagers that they spend time with their friends and in their extracurricular activities than with their parents. The reality is that parenting schedules ''have'' to change based on the age of the child and, eventually as teenagers, their preferences. The schedule that works for a toddler won't work for a kid in Grade Two, and the schedule that works for a kid in Grade Two won't work for a kid in Grade Eight. That's just how it is. | ||
====Schedules for children without shared parenting==== | ====Schedules for children without shared parenting==== | ||
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Children who don't have a shared parenting schedule — a schedule in which they have an equal or almost equal amount of parenting time with each parent — will have one home where they live most of the time, sometimes called their ''primary residence''. They'll spend most of the time with the parent who has their primary residence and spend less of their time with the other parent. This used to be the sort of schedule that almost all children had. For kids who were, say, six years old and older, they would usually have spent every other weekend with the other parent, and maybe also every Wednesday for dinner or an overnight visit. However, there are lots more ways that parenting time can be scheduled for children who have a primary residence. | Children who don't have a shared parenting schedule — a schedule in which they have an equal or almost equal amount of parenting time with each parent — will have one home where they live most of the time, sometimes called their ''primary residence''. They'll spend most of the time with the parent who has their primary residence and spend less of their time with the other parent. This used to be the sort of schedule that almost all children had. For kids who were, say, six years old and older, they would usually have spent every other weekend with the other parent, and maybe also every Wednesday for dinner or an overnight visit. However, there are lots more ways that parenting time can be scheduled for children who have a primary residence. | ||
The Langley Family Justice Center publishes an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" | The Langley Family Justice Center publishes an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" that they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's equally excellent book, ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/helping-your-kids-cope-with-divorce-the-sandcastles-way/oclc/42193621 Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way]''. The following parenting schedule template is adapted from their pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish a shared parenting arrangement. The schedule varies by the age of the child and by the parenting skills of the parent who doesn't have the children's primary residence. | ||
::{| width="65%" class="wikitable" | ::{| width="65%" class="wikitable" | ||
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A parenting schedule could also require that a parent's parenting time be ''supervised'' by someone, including the other parent, a grandparent, another relative or a friend, or even by a person who specializes in supervising parenting time. (There are a number of organizations that provide professional supervision services for a fee.) Just like conditional parenting time, supervised parenting time should be limited to circumstances when the parent or their behaviour poses a risk to the children. Supervised parenting time is usually intended to be a temporary response to a short-term problem, not a permanent condition of the children's time with a parent. | A parenting schedule could also require that a parent's parenting time be ''supervised'' by someone, including the other parent, a grandparent, another relative or a friend, or even by a person who specializes in supervising parenting time. (There are a number of organizations that provide professional supervision services for a fee.) Just like conditional parenting time, supervised parenting time should be limited to circumstances when the parent or their behaviour poses a risk to the children. Supervised parenting time is usually intended to be a temporary response to a short-term problem, not a permanent condition of the children's time with a parent. | ||
====Children's refusal to see a parent==== | ====Children's reluctance or refusal to see a parent==== | ||
Children can sometimes have difficulty coping with change, whether a change between homes or the change resulting from the breakdown of the relationship between their parents, and may feel anxious when transitioning between homes. Other children may have a stronger relationship with one parent than the other as a result of their experiences growing up, or have a normal preference for one parent over the other for reasons including their age, stage of development and gender identity. | Children can sometimes have difficulty coping with change, whether a change between homes or the change resulting from the breakdown of the relationship between their parents, and may feel anxious when transitioning between homes. Other children may have a stronger relationship with one parent than the other as a result of their experiences growing up, or have a normal preference for one parent over the other for reasons including their age, stage of development and gender identity. | ||
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* [https://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Attorney General report ''A Summary of Evaluation Feedback from Participants in Parenting After Separation Sessions'' (2003)] | * [https://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Attorney General report ''A Summary of Evaluation Feedback from Participants in Parenting After Separation Sessions'' (2003)] | ||
* [https://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/4655 Legal Aid BC's Family Law website's information page "Parenting & guardianship"] | * [https://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/4655 Legal Aid BC's Family Law website's information page "Parenting & guardianship"] | ||
* [ | * [https://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/ Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines] | ||
* [ | * [https://parenting.familieschange.ca Justice Education Society's online course "Parenting After Separation"] | ||
* [ | * [https://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children] (a non-profit supporting parents with family life challenges) | ||
* [https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Department of Justice's guide ''Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce''] | * [https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Department of Justice's guide ''Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce''] | ||
* [https://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Attorney General's website "Families Change"] | * [https://clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1588 Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Attorney General's website "Families Change"] | ||
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{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[JP Boyd]] | {{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[JP Boyd]] 14 Aug 2022}} | ||
{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}} | {{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}} | ||