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Difference between revisions of "Parenting Apart"
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The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plans takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration: | The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plans takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration: | ||
*The | *The parenting schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one-year-old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned. | ||
*The | *The parenting schedule that works for a three-year-old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither parent controls. | ||
*The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments. | *The schedule of a seven-year-old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments. | ||
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*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into <span class="noglossary">account</span> his or her social schedule and activities with friends. | *The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into <span class="noglossary">account</span> his or her social schedule and activities with friends. | ||
In other words, a | In other words, a parenting schedule can't be static; it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address. | ||
Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want. | Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want. | ||
Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and | Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a <span class="noglossary">review</span> of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.) | ||
Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document. | Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document. | ||
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===Common visitation issues=== | ===Common visitation issues=== | ||
There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a | There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays. | ||
Other problems can come up when the | Other problems can come up when the parenting schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other sections in this chapter, including the [[Estranged & Alienated Children]] section. | ||
====Weekends==== | ====Weekends==== | ||
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====Statutory holidays==== | ====Statutory holidays==== | ||
Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into <span class="noglossary">account</span> when you work out a | Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into <span class="noglossary">account</span> when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday. | ||
====Special days==== | ====Special days==== | ||
When you're working out your | When you're working out your parenting schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day. | ||
For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year. | For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas Day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule that reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year. | ||
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The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school. | The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school. | ||
Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual | Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual parenting schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted. | ||
====Children's refusal to visit==== | ====Children's refusal to visit==== | ||
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No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving. | No child, particularly children under the age of 12, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving. | ||
It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a | It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a parenting schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child. | ||
From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent. | From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent. | ||
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====Parents' refusal to visit==== | ====Parents' refusal to visit==== | ||
Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed | Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute, or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed parenting schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility from both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling, or changing dates is not good for anyone. | ||
From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether. | From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to force a disinterested parent to visit with the children. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's scheduled visits with the children altogether. | ||
