Difference between revisions of "Children Who Resist Seeing a Parent"

This page will provide a brief introduction to the problem of alienated and estranged children, and discuss what the experts have to say about a largely discredited theory called Parental Alienation Syndrome. It will also look at ways of dealing with alienated and estranged children during parenting disputes, and provide a selection of helpful online and printed resources.

The end of a romantic relationship is always difficult for parents. It can be just as difficult, if not worse, for their children. How children deal with the end of their parents' relationship has to do with two things: the age and maturity of the children; and, how their parents manage the breakdown of their relationship.

Children don't see things in terms of "custody" or "parental responsibilities" when their parents' relationship ends. All they know is that something has gone wrong. Mom and dad are yelling at each other a lot, and then, one day, mom or dad isn't there anymore. Young children won't understand these adult problems. Children who are in primary school will have a better idea, since they'll have friends whose parents have separated. Pre-teens and teens will have a much more grown-up grasp of things as they'll have lost relationships of their own, and be able to appreciate the idea that their parents' relationship has ended. How children emotionally and intellectually cope with their parents' separation changes as they grow older and more emotionally and intellectually mature.

Things are a lot different for parents. A significant relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions which go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love and loss — they might find themselves also having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues. It's even worse where the parents wind up fighting about things in court.

Litigation can have a very profound impact on people. At its core, litigation is an adversarial process: each parent is fighting the other in order to "win", and where there's a winner there's always a loser. This sort of approach to a dispute often polarizes parents and encourages them to take extreme positions. What makes this so much worse is that the parents are both fighting about something they cherish dearly, their children, and they are both fighting against someone whom they used to deeply love.

In circumstances like this, it can be easy to forget how important it is that the children maintain a positive, loving relationship with the other parent. It can also be easy to overlook the importance of managing the children's exposure to and perception of their parents' conflict. One parent's view of the other becomes clouded by hatred, malice and spite, and nothing the other parent can do is ever right. This attitude is almost impossible to shield from the children. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the children are inevitably exposed to these negative views which, without interference, can come to colour the children's own views of the other parent.

*interests the child share's with a parent, and

There are, of course, ways that parents can behave, intentionally and unintentionally, that will encourage a child to drift towards one parent and away from the other that are blameworthy. Remember, however, that there are normal reasons why a child's experience of divorce may align with one parent over the other which have nothing to do with a parent's conduct.

In high conflict situations, even parents who understand this basic duty can unconsciously telegraph their feelings about the other parent to the child. Children are not stupid; they know something's not right. Even young children will pick up on non-verbal clues to a parent's feelings. This sort of unintentional communication of emotion includes:

When a child begins to express a reluctance to visit the other parent, both parents must act to stop the problem from getting worse. For the parent who has the child most often, this means that you must:

None of these solutions may be effective if the child's opinion and emotions are too entrenched, if the parents are simply too angry with one another to cooperate effectively, or if one of the parents is actively working to undermine the other parent's relationship with the child. When things go to far, or when a problem is left unchecked, a child's simple preference for one parent can develop to an extreme point, where the child is estranged or alienated from the other parent.

*expressing ambivalence about visiting the parent (not caring one way or the other about seeing the parent),

*grumbling about having to go to see the other parent, and

*stating a preference for an activity (playing a game, seeing friends and so forth) over seeing the other parent.

An estranged child is either absolutely ambivalent about the other parent or enraged by the other parent. These feelings are, however, justified by the child's experience of the separation or by the child's experience of that parent. These children are usually estranged as a result of:

The point here is that the child's experiences make the child's rejection of a parent ''reasonable'', and an adaptive and protective response to the parent's behaviour. The feelings of alienated children, however, are neither reasonable nor the result of the rejected parent's conduct.

The parent most likely to attempt to alienate a child from the other parent is the parent who has the child for most of the time, usually because of an interim order or some other sort of temporary arrangement. The sorts of behaviours that suggest an intention to alienate a child from the other parent include, among other things: