Parenting Apart: Difference between revisions
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Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation. | Many families can continue to parent by way of week on/week off schedules or other shared parenting. However, the family law in British Columbia rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect, absent agreement between the parties, an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation. | ||
Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people | Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people may be quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible. | ||
===Parenting tips=== | ===Parenting tips=== | ||
The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts. | Divorce doesn't mess kids up—conflict does. The [http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 Ottawa Centre for Mediation], formerly the Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation, offers the following parenting dos and don'ts. | ||
'''Things to think about:''' | '''Things to think about:''' | ||
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*Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child. | *Working together as parents means cooperating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try communicating by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child. | ||
*It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children. | *It is a myth that parents who did not get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It takes time and effort but parents can redefine the relationship from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of being partners in the parenting of their children. | ||
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an <span class="noglossary">answer</span>, or a solution to a problem. | *Go directly to the other parent for information, an <span class="noglossary">answer</span>, or a solution to a problem. Do not allow the child to be in the middle, to <span class="noglossary">act</span> as a messenger, or <span class="noglossary">act</span> as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent, use another adult. | ||
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives. | *Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives. | ||
* | *Do not let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; do not get caught in the middle. Do not let the children become caught in the middle. | ||
'''Children may be harmed if they:''' | '''Children may be harmed if they:''' | ||
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*expect children to comfort them. | *expect children to comfort them. | ||
In short, you are the parent, and your children have the right to expect you to do the job of parenting. | |||
===Parenting schedules=== | ===Parenting schedules=== | ||
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Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent. | Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent. | ||
By grade two, many children | By grade two, many children may be able to do a whole week with one parent, followed by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork, although exchanging on Tuesday prevents any arguments about who was responsible for ensuring that weekend homework got done. | ||
By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement | By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement may be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into <span class="noglossary">account</span>. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the child and the parents. | ||
===Parenting plans=== | ===Parenting plans=== | ||
A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, | A ''parenting plan'' is a written agreement that describes how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view that addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, or when parents need extra clarity. | ||
The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration: | The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict. A parenting plan takes the basic developmental points in the children's life into consideration: | ||
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Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want. | Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs, and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the ''[[Divorce Act]]'' or the ''[[Family Law Act]]'', there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan. It's up to the parents to be as inclusive and creative as they want. | ||
Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a <span class="noglossary">review</span> of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.) | Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and parenting time for the present, with a provision requiring a <span class="noglossary">review</span> of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.) However, at times the court can and will make very specific orders about parenting. | ||
Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document. | Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document. | ||
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====Weekends==== | ====Weekends==== | ||
Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it | Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it may be important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend. | ||
It | It may be important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends, unless of course that is what your particular family needs. | ||
====Statutory holidays==== | ====Statutory holidays==== | ||
Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into <span class="noglossary">account</span> when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday. | Make sure that statutory holidays and school professional development days are taken into <span class="noglossary">account</span> when you work out a parenting schedule. Many schedules that require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday or professional development day at your child’s school. | ||
====Special days==== | ====Special days==== | ||