Difference between revisions of "Children Who Resist Seeing a Parent"

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Children Who Resist Seeing a Parent (view source)

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|ChapterEditors = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Samantha Rapoport]]
|ChapterEditors = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Samantha Rapoport]]
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Parental influence is a normal part of parenting and socialization.  It is how parents teach their children and it only becomes concerning if the influence benefits the parent, not the child.
Preference is also a normal part of life; children can prefer one parent because they have shared interests or temperament.  It becomes problematic if a child over identifies with one parent to the detriment of the child’s relationship with the other (alignment).


To ''alienate'' means to make separate. To ''estrange'' means to make indifferent. In family law, both terms relate to a breakdown in a child's relationship with a parent.  
To ''alienate'' means to make separate. To ''estrange'' means to make indifferent. In family law, both terms relate to a breakdown in a child's relationship with a parent.  


Children can become estranged from one parent for a good reason that has nothing to do with the behaviour of the other parent. In some cases, a child's relationship with one parent can be damaged by the actions of the other parent, sometimes in the course of a custody battle and sometimes intentionally. These children are usually said to have been alienated from the other parent.
There can be good reasons for a child not wanting to see another parent: bad behaviour by a parent can result in estrangement.  Concerns arise when there is no reason or no real reason for the child’s behaviour.
 
Children can become estranged from one parent for a good reason that has nothing to do with the behaviour of the other parent. In some cases, a child's relationship with one parent can be damaged by the actions of the other parent, sometimes in the course of a custody battle and sometimes intentionally. Where children's relationship with one parent is intentionally damaged, usually by the actions of the other parent, those children are often described as being alienated from the other parent.


This section will provide an introduction to the problem of alienated and estranged children, and discuss what the experts have to say about a largely discredited theory called Parental Alienation Syndrome. It will also look at ways of dealing with alienated and estranged children during parenting disputes, and provide a selection of helpful online and printed resources.
This section will provide an introduction to the problem of alienated and estranged children, and will discuss what the experts have to say about a largely discredited theory called Parental Alienation Syndrome. It will also look at ways of dealing with alienated and estranged children during parenting disputes, and will provide a selection of helpful online and printed resources.


==Introduction==
==Introduction==
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Things are a lot different for parents. A significant relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions that go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love and loss — they might find themselves also having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues. It's even worse where the parents wind up fighting about things in court.
Things are a lot different for parents. A significant relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions that go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love and loss — they might find themselves also having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues. It's even worse where the parents wind up fighting about things in court.


Litigation can have a very profound impact on people. At its core, litigation is an adversarial process: each parent is fighting the other in <span class="noglossary">order</span> to "win," and where there's a winner there's always a loser. This sort of approach to a dispute often polarizes parents and encourages them to take extreme positions. What makes this so much worse is that the parents are both fighting about something they cherish dearly, their children, and they are both fighting against someone whom they used to deeply love.
Litigation can have a very profound impact on people. At its core, litigation is an adversarial process: each parent is fighting the other in <span class="noglossary">order</span> to "win," and where there's a winner there's always a loser. This sort of approach to a dispute often polarizes parents and encourages them to take extreme positions. What makes this so much worse is that the parents are both fighting about something they cherish dearly, their children, and they are also fighting against someone whom they used to deeply love.


In circumstances like these, it can be easy to forget how important it is that the children maintain a positive, loving relationship with the other parent. It can also be easy to overlook the importance of managing the children's exposure to and perception of their parents' conflict. One parent's view of the other becomes clouded by hatred, malice and spite, and nothing the other parent can do is ever right. This attitude is almost impossible to shield from the children. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the children are inevitably exposed to these negative views which, without interference, can come to colour the children's own views of the other parent.
In circumstances like these, it can be easy to forget how important it is that the children maintain a positive, loving relationship with the other parent. It can also be easy to overlook the importance of managing the children's exposure to and perception of their parents' conflict. One parent's view of the other becomes clouded by hatred, malice and spite, and nothing the other parent can do is ever right. This attitude is almost impossible to shield from the children. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the children are inevitably exposed to these negative views which, without interference, can come to colour the children's own views of the other parent.
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Of course, any resistance to separation is difficult for both parents. For the parent sending the child on the visit, it can be heart wrenching to force the child out the door. For the parent receiving the child, it can be devastating to hear — from the other parent or the child — that the parenting time or contact is unwelcome, and to experience the rejection that this entails.
Of course, any resistance to separation is difficult for both parents. For the parent sending the child on the visit, it can be heart wrenching to force the child out the door. For the parent receiving the child, it can be devastating to hear — from the other parent or the child — that the parenting time or contact is unwelcome, and to experience the rejection that this entails.


These normal reasons why a child would be reluctant to see a parent can be aggravated by the unintentional conduct of each parent. Separated parents have a positive duty to nurture their child's relationship with the other parent. In the context of parenting time and contact, this means encouraging the child to look forward to seeing the other parent. In general, this means actively fostering the child's relationship with the other parent and refraining from making negative remarks about the other parent.
These normal reasons why a child would be reluctant to see a parent can be aggravated by the unintentional conduct of each parent. Separated parents have a duty to nurture their child's relationship with the other parent. In the context of parenting time and contact, this means encouraging the child to look forward to seeing the other parent. In general, this means actively fostering the child's relationship with the other parent and refraining from making negative remarks about the other parent.


In high-conflict situations, even parents who understand this basic duty can unconsciously telegraph their feelings about the other parent to the child. Children are not stupid; they know something's not right. Even young children will pick up on non-verbal clues to a parent's feelings.  
In high-conflict situations, even parents who understand this basic duty can unconsciously telegraph their feelings about the other parent to the child. Children are not stupid; they know something's not right. Even young children will pick up on non-verbal clues to a parent's feelings.  
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*reacting in a flat or negative manner when the children discuss the other parent or their activities with that parent.
*reacting in a flat or negative manner when the children discuss the other parent or their activities with that parent.


Even though in these examples nothing is actually being said to the children to discourage their relationship with the other parent, they will pick up on the implications these behaviours suggest: there is something bad about one parent which is hurting the other parent. This sort of behaviour will inevitably encourage and reinforce any resistance the child might have to seeing the other parent.
Even though in these examples nothing is actually being said to the children to discourage their relationship with the other parent, the children will pick up on the implications these behaviours suggest: there is something bad about one parent which is hurting the other parent. This sort of behaviour will inevitably encourage and reinforce any resistance the child might have to seeing the other parent.


When a child begins to express a reluctance to visit the other parent, both parents must act to stop the problem from getting worse.  
When a child begins to express a reluctance to visit the other parent, both parents must act to stop the problem from getting worse.  
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*witnessing violence committed by that parent against the other parent,
*witnessing violence committed by that parent against the other parent,
*being the victim of abuse from that parent,
*being the victim of abuse from that parent,
*the parent's persistently immature and self-centred behaviour,
*the parent's persistently immature and self-centered behaviour,
*the parent's unduly rigid and restrictive parenting style, and/or
*the parent's unduly rigid and restrictive parenting style, and/or
*the parent's own psychological or psychiatric issues.
*the parent's own psychological or psychiatric issues.


The point here is that the child's experiences make the child's rejection of a parent ''reasonable'', and are an adaptive and protective response to the parent's behaviour.  
The point here is that the feelings of estranged children are based on the child's lived experiences. In cases of estrangement, the child's rejection of a parent is ''reasonable'', and is an adaptive and protective response to the parent's behaviour.  


The feelings of alienated children, however, are neither reasonable nor the result of the rejected parent's conduct.
The feelings of alienated children, however, are neither reasonable nor the result of the rejected parent's conduct.
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===Alienated children===
===Alienated children===


Alienated children reject a parent without guilt or sadness and without an objectively reasonable <span class="noglossary">cause</span>. Their views of the alienated parent are grossly distorted and exaggerated.
Alienated children usually reject a parent without guilt or sadness and without an objectively reasonable <span class="noglossary">cause</span>. The children's views of the alienated parent are usually grossly distorted and exaggerated.


Alienation is most easily defined as the complete breakdown of a child's relationship with a parent as a result of a parent's efforts to turn a child against the other parent. Typically, alienation is only a problem when the parents are involved in extremely bitter and heated litigation as a result. Not every case of high conflict litigation involves alienation, but it does happen. A 1991 study by the American Bar Association found indications of alienation in the majority of 700 high-conflict divorce cases studied over 12 years.
Alienation is most easily defined as the complete breakdown of a child's relationship with a parent as a result of a parent's efforts to turn a child against the other parent. Typically, alienation is only a problem when the parents are involved in extremely bitter and heated litigation. Not every case of high conflict litigation involves alienation, but alienation can and does happen. A 1991 study by the American Bar Association found indications of alienation in the majority of 700 high-conflict divorce cases studied over 12 years.


This sort of intentional alienation is absolutely wrong and virtually unforgivable. In some circumstances, alienation can amount to child abuse. As J.M. Bone and M.R. Walsh put it in their article "Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to detect it and what to do about it," published in 1999 in the Florida Bar Journal, 73(3): 44-48:
Intentional alienation of a child against one parent is absolutely wrong and virtually unforgivable. In some circumstances, alienation can amount to child abuse. As J.M. Bone and M.R. Walsh put it in their article "Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to detect it and what to do about it," published in 1999 in the Florida Bar Journal, 73(3): 44-48:


<blockquote>"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood."</blockquote>
<blockquote>"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood."</blockquote>
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*stating or implying that the child is being abused or maltreated by the other parent.
*stating or implying that the child is being abused or maltreated by the other parent.


The consequences of parental alienation or attempted alienation can be quite profound. Alienation at its best is a form of psychological programming; at worst, it's brainwashing. Alienation may result in the permanent destruction of a child's relationship with a parent and in long-lasting psychological problems.
The consequences of parental alienation or attempted alienation can be quite profound. Alienation at its best is a form of psychological programming; at worst, it's brainwashing. Alienation may result in the permanent destruction of a child's relationship with a parent and in long-lasting psychological problems for the alienated child.


In their article, Bone and Walsh conclude that when alienation has been identified, the solution is to deal with it immediately:
In their article, Bone and Walsh conclude that when alienation has been identified, the solution is to deal with it immediately:
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While evidence of alienation is necessary before a court can make a determination that it has occurred or make orders to ameliorate it, the impact of that behaviour or the allegation that it has occurred can give rise to situations where children become actively involved in the court action.
While evidence of alienation is necessary before a court can make a determination that it has occurred or make orders to ameliorate it, the impact of that behaviour or the allegation that it has occurred can give rise to situations where children become actively involved in the court action.
In a case called [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcsc/doc/2017/2017bcsc495/2017bcsc495.html?autocompleteStr=j.e.s.d&autocompletePos=2 ''J.E.S.D v. Y.E.P''], a 16 year old asked the court to have a lawyer appointed for her when she did not agree with the evidence of an expert witness who found that she was alienated from her father. The court in the circumstances did not find that it was appropriate for the child to have her own lawyer, or to be named a party to the action. However, because the Supreme Court of British Columbia has authority under the concept of [httpsWhile the court directed that an ''amicus'' be appointed, who that person was, or how they would be paid, was not considered.
://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parens_patriae ''parens patriae''] to make an order to protect someone who cannot protect himself or herself, the court ordered that an [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amicus_curiae ''amicus''] be appointed. The court referred to the Honourable Madam Justice Martinson's decision in [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcsc/doc/1999/1999canlii5928/1999canlii5928.html?autocompleteStr=dormer%20v.%2F&autocompletePos=1 ''Dormer v. Thomas'']. In later [https://www.canlii.org/en/bc/bcsc/doc/2017/2017bcsc666/2017bcsc666.html?resultIndex=1 reasons], the court ordered that the Attorney General for British Columbia pay for the amicus for the child.


===Alienated parents===
===Alienated parents===
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===Online information===
===Online information===


The web is full of resources about parental alienation. Much of the information available online is, however, crap. Look about the web and educate yourself about alienation, but be cautious about the sources of what you're reading. Stick to information published by academics, lawyers, psychiatrists and psychologists, and avoid anonymous websites, websites sponsored by special interest groups that are likely to be biased, sensationalist websites, and websites that don't give a source for their data or their conclusions. The most reliable sort of online information is that which has been reproduced from a professional journal.
The web is full of resources about parental alienation. Much of the information available online is, however, of limited utility. Look about the web and educate yourself about alienation, but be cautious about the sources of what you're reading. Stick to information published by academics, lawyers, psychiatrists and psychologists, and avoid anonymous websites, websites sponsored by special interest groups that are likely to be biased, sensationalist websites, and websites that don't give a source for their data or their conclusions. The most reliable sort of online information is that which has been reproduced from a professional journal.


A good starting point for online research is the website of the [http://www.spig.clara.net/ Shared Parenting Information Group], a UK organization, which has a good discussion of the subject and plenty of useful links.
A good starting point for online research is the website of the [http://www.spig.clara.net/ Shared Parenting Information Group], a UK organization, which has a good discussion of the subject and plenty of useful links.
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{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Samantha Rapoport]], April 14, 2017}}
{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Mary Mouat|Mary Mouat, QC]] and [[Samantha Rapoport]], April 16, 2019}}


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