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Difference between revisions of "Children Who Resist Seeing a Parent"
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Children Who Resist Seeing a Parent (view source)
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Parental influence is a normal part of parenting and socialization. It is how parents teach their children and it only becomes concerning if the influence benefits the parent, not the child. | Parental influence is a normal part of parenting and socialization. It is how parents teach their children and it only becomes concerning if the influence benefits the parent, not the child. | ||
Preference is also a normal part of life | Preference is also a normal part of life. Children can prefer one parent because they have shared interests or temperament. It becomes problematic if a child over-identifies with one parent to the detriment of the child’s relationship with the other. | ||
To ''alienate'' means to make separate. To ''estrange'' means to make indifferent. In family law, both terms relate to a breakdown in a child's relationship with a parent. | To ''alienate'' means to make separate. To ''estrange'' means to make indifferent. In family law, both terms relate to a breakdown in a child's relationship with a parent. | ||
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The end of a romantic relationship is always difficult for parents. It can be just as difficult, if not worse, for their children. How children deal with the end of their parents' relationship has to do with two things: the age and maturity of the children, and how their parents manage the breakdown of their relationship. | The end of a romantic relationship is always difficult for parents. It can be just as difficult, if not worse, for their children. How children deal with the end of their parents' relationship has to do with two things: the age and maturity of the children, and how their parents manage the breakdown of their relationship. | ||
Children don't see things in terms of custody or parental responsibilities when their parents' relationship ends. All they know is that something has gone wrong. Mom and dad are yelling at each other a lot, and then, one day, mom or dad isn't there anymore. Young children won't understand these adult problems. Children who are in primary school will have a better idea, since they'll have friends whose parents have separated. Pre-teens and teens may | Children don't see things in terms of custody or parental responsibilities when their parents' relationship ends. All they know is that something has gone wrong. Mom and dad are yelling at each other a lot, and then, one day, mom or dad isn't there anymore. Young children won't understand these adult problems. Children who are in primary school will have a better idea, since they'll have friends whose parents have separated. Pre-teens and teens may have a more grown-up grasp of things, as they may have lost relationships of their own, and may be able to appreciate the idea that their parents' relationship has ended. How children cope with their parents' separation changes as they grow older and more mature. | ||
Things are a lot different for parents. A significant relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions that go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love, and loss — they might find themselves also having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues. It's even worse where the parents wind up fighting about things in court. | Things are a lot different for parents. A significant relationship has ended, and in the midst of all of the emotions that go along with that — grief, anger, jealousy, love, and loss — they might find themselves also having to deal with some extremely difficult legal issues. It's even worse where the parents wind up fighting about things in court. | ||
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Litigation can have a very profound impact on people. At its core, litigation is an adversarial process: each parent is fighting the other in <span class="noglossary">order</span> to "win," and where there's a winner there's always a loser. This sort of approach to a dispute often polarizes parents and encourages them to take extreme positions. What makes this so much worse is that the parents are both fighting about something they cherish dearly, their children, and they are also fighting against someone whom they used to deeply love. | Litigation can have a very profound impact on people. At its core, litigation is an adversarial process: each parent is fighting the other in <span class="noglossary">order</span> to "win," and where there's a winner there's always a loser. This sort of approach to a dispute often polarizes parents and encourages them to take extreme positions. What makes this so much worse is that the parents are both fighting about something they cherish dearly, their children, and they are also fighting against someone whom they used to deeply love. | ||
In circumstances like these, it can be easy to forget how important it is that the children maintain a positive, loving relationship with the other parent. It can also be easy to overlook the importance of managing the children's exposure to and perception of their parents' conflict. One parent's view of the other becomes clouded by hatred, malice, and spite, and nothing the other parent can do is ever right. This attitude is almost impossible to shield from the children. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the children are inevitably exposed to these negative views which, without | In circumstances like these, it can be easy to forget how important it is that the children maintain a positive, loving relationship with the other parent. It can also be easy to overlook the importance of managing the children's exposure to and perception of their parents' conflict. One parent's view of the other becomes clouded by hatred, malice, and spite, and nothing the other parent can do is ever right. This attitude is almost impossible to shield from the children. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the children are inevitably exposed to these negative views which, without intervention, can come to colour the children's own views of the other parent. | ||
===Children's experiences of separation=== | ===Children's experiences of separation=== | ||
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*reacting in a flat or negative manner when the children discuss the other parent or their activities with that parent. | *reacting in a flat or negative manner when the children discuss the other parent or their activities with that parent. | ||
Even though in these examples nothing is actually being said to the children to discourage their relationship with the other parent, the children will pick up on | Even though in these examples nothing is actually being said to the children to discourage their relationship with the other parent, the children will pick up on their implications. These behaviours suggest that there is something bad about one parent which is hurtful to the other parent. This sort of behaviour can encourage and reinforce resistance that the child might have to seeing the other parent. | ||
When a child begins to express a reluctance to visit the other parent, both parents must act to stop the problem from getting worse. | When a child begins to express a reluctance to visit the other parent, both parents must act to stop the problem from getting worse. | ||
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*work harder at encouraging the child to look forward to the visits, | *work harder at encouraging the child to look forward to the visits, | ||
*make sure that you are not a part of the problem by unconsciously | *make sure that you are not a part of the problem by unconsciously broadcasting your displeasure with the other parent when the child is present, | ||
*make an effort to remind the child about the other parent's positive traits, | *make an effort to remind the child about the other parent's positive traits, | ||
*consider getting the child in to see a counsellor about the separation, and | *consider getting the child in to see a counsellor about the separation, and | ||
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Alienated children usually reject a parent without guilt or sadness and without an objectively reasonable <span class="noglossary">cause</span>. The children's views of the alienated parent are usually grossly distorted and exaggerated. | Alienated children usually reject a parent without guilt or sadness and without an objectively reasonable <span class="noglossary">cause</span>. The children's views of the alienated parent are usually grossly distorted and exaggerated. | ||
Alienation is most easily defined as the complete breakdown of a child's relationship with a parent as a result of | Alienation is most easily defined as the complete breakdown of a child's relationship with a parent as a result of the other parent's efforts to turn a child against that parent. Typically, alienation is only a problem when the parents are involved in extremely bitter and heated litigation. Not every case of high conflict litigation involves alienation, but alienation can and does happen. A 1991 study by the American Bar Association found indications of alienation in the majority of 700 high-conflict divorce cases studied over 12 years. | ||
Intentional alienation of a child against one parent is absolutely wrong and virtually unforgivable. In some circumstances, alienation can amount to child abuse. As J.M. Bone and M.R. Walsh put it in their article "Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to detect it and what to do about it," published in 1999 in the ''Florida Bar Journal'', 73(3): 44–48: | Intentional alienation of a child against one parent is absolutely wrong and virtually unforgivable. In some circumstances, alienation can amount to child abuse. As J.M. Bone and M.R. Walsh put it in their article "Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to detect it and what to do about it," published in 1999 in the ''Florida Bar Journal'', 73(3): 44–48: | ||
