Parenting Apart: Difference between revisions
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I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a counsellor. As a result, this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it's based largely on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason, you are cautioned that this section shouldn't be used as an authority on parenting. The goal of this section is simply to provide some information that may be helpful for parents to consider as they make decisions about parenting after separation. | I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a counsellor. As a result, this section should be read with a grain of salt, as it's based largely on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason, you are cautioned that this section shouldn't be used as an authority on parenting. The goal of this section is simply to provide some information that may be helpful for parents to consider as they make decisions about parenting after separation. | ||
There are lots of [ | There are lots of [https://family.legalaid.bc.ca/children/parenting-guardianship/parenting-after-separation-class parenting after separation programs] offered by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia, as well as some very good [https://parenting-after-separation.jibc.ca online programs] developed by the Justice Institute of British Columbia. Other good programs are available from other provinces, including Alberta's [https://www.alberta.ca/pashc Parenting After Separation for Families in High Conflict] program. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you take one of these programs. No matter how good — or bad! — you think your relationship is with your ex-partner, these programs are usually very helpful. Also, in some cases, you may find yourself being ordered to attend a parenting after separation program by the court. | ||
==Children and parenting apart== | ==Children and parenting apart== | ||
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It's easier to say that you'll manage your conflict with the other parent than it is to do. A lot easier. And yet the research about parenting apart and how children adapt to the separation of their parents is full of grim warnings about the serious effects conflict can have on children. No matter how hard it is to manage your conflict, you've ''got'' to try your best. | It's easier to say that you'll manage your conflict with the other parent than it is to do. A lot easier. And yet the research about parenting apart and how children adapt to the separation of their parents is full of grim warnings about the serious effects conflict can have on children. No matter how hard it is to manage your conflict, you've ''got'' to try your best. | ||
Sometimes, a little bit of work on your communication skills helps. Partly, good communication after separation is about leaving the past behind you, at least as far as the end your relationship is concerned, and choosing your words carefully; think not just about ''what'' you're saying but about how the other parent is likely to ''hear'' what you're saying. There are also some really effective communication techniques that can improve how you have difficult conversations with the other parent, such as [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening active listening], being alert to the assumptions you're making, and being aware of your body language and how it influences what other people think you're saying. Bill Eddy, a lawyer and social worker known for his work with high-conflict families, talks about how poor communication can put people into a defensive "react" mode rather than a constructive "respond" mode. Mr. Eddy says that communications after separation should be brief, informative, friendly and firm, and I recommend his book on the subject, ''[https://www. | Sometimes, a little bit of work on your communication skills helps. Partly, good communication after separation is about leaving the past behind you, at least as far as the end your relationship is concerned, and choosing your words carefully; think not just about ''what'' you're saying but about how the other parent is likely to ''hear'' what you're saying. There are also some really effective communication techniques that can improve how you have difficult conversations with the other parent, such as [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening active listening], being alert to the assumptions you're making, and being aware of your body language and how it influences what other people think you're saying. Bill Eddy, a lawyer and social worker known for his work with high-conflict families, talks about how poor communication can put people into a defensive "react" mode rather than a constructive "respond" mode. Mr. Eddy says that communications after separation should be brief, informative, friendly and firm, and I recommend his book on the subject, ''[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12019658-biff BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns]''. | ||
Another thing that might help is establishing good boundaries, boundaries that reflect the new relationship you have with the other parent. Robert Emery, a therapist and professor of psychology, says that you should first draw clear boundaries around your relationship with the other parent. Let them know what you're prepared to talk about, what information you're prepared to share, and how and when you're not prepared to communicate. Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner and focus on the work you must do together. Finally, he says, you've got to respect the new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries; keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but it's important to try. I also recommend Dr. Emery's book about parenting apart, ''[https://www. | Another thing that might help is establishing good boundaries, boundaries that reflect the new relationship you have with the other parent. Robert Emery, a therapist and professor of psychology, says that you should first draw clear boundaries around your relationship with the other parent. Let them know what you're prepared to talk about, what information you're prepared to share, and how and when you're not prepared to communicate. Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner and focus on the work you must do together. Finally, he says, you've got to respect the new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries; keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but it's important to try. I also recommend Dr. Emery's book about parenting apart, ''[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/559986 The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive]''. | ||
Something else that might help is limiting how and when you and the other parent come into contact with each other. You might think about whether it would help to reduce the number of transitions that the children have to make between your homes, or whether you can avoid in-person contact with the other parent altogether by exchanging the children through their school — on transition days, one of you drops the kids off at school at the start of the school day, and the other picks them up at the end of the school day — or through a relative, a family friend, or an exchange service. You might think about signing up for an online service like [https://www.ourfamilywizard.com Our Family Wizard] that provides a message board, a calendar, and a journal for sharing events in the children's lives. | Something else that might help is limiting how and when you and the other parent come into contact with each other. You might think about whether it would help to reduce the number of transitions that the children have to make between your homes, or whether you can avoid in-person contact with the other parent altogether by exchanging the children through their school — on transition days, one of you drops the kids off at school at the start of the school day, and the other picks them up at the end of the school day — or through a relative, a family friend, or an exchange service. You might think about signing up for an online service like [https://www.ourfamilywizard.com Our Family Wizard] that provides a message board, a calendar, and a journal for sharing events in the children's lives. | ||
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====Public programs and services==== | ====Public programs and services==== | ||
The [http://www. | The [http://www.gov.bc.ca/parentingafterseparation Parenting After Separation course] is run by the provincial government. Although it's the mandatory program required of parents at some Provincial Family Court locations, it's open to everyone. You can download the [https://bc.familieschange.ca/sites/all/themes/opas2/assets/docs/pashandbook.pdf Parenting After Separation Handbook] online. | ||
The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond, and Vancouver; call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas; call 604-597-0205. | The Parenting After Separation program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond, and Vancouver; call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas; call 604-597-0205. | ||
[https://www.informationchildren.com/ Information Children] is a not for profit organization that started at Simon Fraser University. It offers a fairly broad and extremely useful program that deals with parenting issues. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their [https://www.informationchildren.com/ website] or at: | |||
<blockquote> | <blockquote>778-782-3548 phone<br> | ||
778-782-5846 fax</blockquote> | |||
The provincial [https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/justice/about-bcs-justice-system/ | The provincial [https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/justice/about-bcs-justice-system/justice-access-centres Justice Access Centres] may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located in Abbotsford, Nanaimo, Surrey, Vancouver and Victoria. To access virtual services outside of these locations you can contact Family Justice Services Division toll-free at 1-844-747-3963 for more information. | ||
====Recommended reading for parents==== | ====Recommended reading for parents==== | ||
The federal Department of Justice has a number of excellent resources in the [ | The federal Department of Justice has a number of excellent resources in the [https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/index.html family law section of its website] that you may find helpful. You'll find publications and research papers about parenting after separation and on other topics important to children's well-being after their parents separate. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read. | ||
The federal government website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting arrangements] that links to three useful resources: | The federal government website has a section on [http://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/plan.html creating parenting arrangements] that links to three useful resources: | ||
*[ | *[https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html Making Parenting Plans], | ||
*[ | *[https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppc-lvppp/index.htmlParenting Plan Checklist], and | ||
*[ | *[https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/ppt-ecppp/form/form.html Parenting Plan Tool]. | ||
The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [ | The federal Department of Justice's website also has information on [https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/kh-ae.html helping your kids cope] with separation and divorce. | ||
There are lots of good books about parenting apart that will be available at your local bookstore or through online shopping services like Amazon, including these (my favourites are in bold): | There are lots of good books about parenting apart that will be available at your local bookstore or through online shopping services like Amazon, including these (my favourites are in bold): | ||
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*''Why Are We Getting a Divorce?'', by P. Mayle and A. Robins (ages 6+) | *''Why Are We Getting a Divorce?'', by P. Mayle and A. Robins (ages 6+) | ||
The website [ | The website [https://bc.familieschange.ca/en www.familieschange.ca] is designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce. The website presents differently for younger children versus teens; both versions are very well put together. | ||
==Developing parenting arrangements== | ==Developing parenting arrangements== | ||
