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{{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}} | {{JP Boyd on Family Law TOC|expanded = children}} | ||
{{OKSUBSTANTIVE}} | {{OKSUBSTANTIVE}} | ||
{{Clicklawbadge | {{Clicklawbadge | ||
| resourcetype = <br/>resources and links for the<br/> | | resourcetype = <br/>resources and links for the<br/> | ||
| link = [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/global/search?k=%22parenting%20after%20separation%22 Parenting After Separation Program] | | link = [http://clicklaw.bc.ca/global/search?k=%22parenting%20after%20separation%22 Parenting After Separation Program] | ||
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Words like "custody" and "access", used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible. | Words like "custody" and "access", used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]'', are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their role with the children. However, the new provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible. | ||
{{LSSbadge | {{LSSbadge | ||
| resourcetype = <br/>a PDF booklet entitled<br/> | | resourcetype = <br/>a PDF booklet entitled<br/> | ||
| link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the<br/> BC Family Law Act]'''<br/>with a section on <br/> "language changes" between <br/> the ''FLA'' and ''Divorce Act''.''' | | link = [http://resources.lss.bc.ca/pdfs/pubs/Guide-to-the-New-BC-Family-Law-Act-eng.pdf Guide to the<br/> BC Family Law Act]'''<br/>with a section on <br/> "language changes" between <br/> the ''FLA'' and ''Divorce Act''.''' | ||
}} | }} | ||
===A | ===A few final notes from JP Boyd=== | ||
'''I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this page should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this page should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out. | |||
==Parenting after | Secondly, there are a ton of Parenting After Separation Programs conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, it is highly recommended that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.''' | ||
==Parenting after separation== | |||
The general consensus among psychologists specializing in childhood development is that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one in which both parents contribute equally, or near-equally, to the raising of their children and have an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with them. | The general consensus among psychologists specializing in childhood development is that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one in which both parents contribute equally, or near-equally, to the raising of their children and have an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with them. | ||
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That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism or pedophilia) which renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible. | That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism or pedophilia) which renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible. | ||
===Parenting | ===Parenting tips=== | ||
The Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation offers the following parenting dos and don'ts. | <!--THIS CENTRE APPEARS TO BE DEFUNCT http://www.ementalhealth.ca/index.php?m=record&ID=9687 says it is now Ottawa Centre for Mediation, but the website is broken | ||
The Ottawa Centre for Family and Community Mediation offers the following parenting dos and don'ts.--> | |||
Things to think about: | Things to think about: | ||
*Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of co-operation. | *Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of co-operation. | ||
*Working together as parents means co-operating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child. | *Working together as parents means co-operating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child. | ||
*It is a myth that parents who were not able to get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It does take time and effort and redefining the relationship and expectations from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of partners in the parenting of their children. | *It is a myth that parents who were not able to get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It does take time and effort and redefining the relationship and expectations from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of partners in the parenting of their children. | ||
*Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, act as a messenger or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent use another adult. | *Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, act as a messenger or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent use another adult. | ||
*Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives. | *Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives. | ||
*Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle. | *Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle. | ||
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*When they are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents. | *When they are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents. | ||
*When children are told or encouraged to believe that one parent is good and the other is bad. | *When children are told or encouraged to believe that one parent is good and the other is bad. | ||
*Encouraging the children to take sides. | *Encouraging the children to take sides. | ||
*When children don’t feel free to love both parents and also step-parents. | *When children don’t feel free to love both parents and also step-parents. | ||
*When parents don’t prepare children for changes that will occur, and when parents burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes. | *When parents don’t prepare children for changes that will occur, and when parents burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes. | ||
*When parents compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children, such as by saying "Your mother is always late," or "What did your father feed you?" | *When parents compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children, such as by saying "Your mother is always late," or "What did your father feed you?" | ||
*Badmouthing, blaming or complaining about the other parent within the children’s presence or earshot. | *Badmouthing, blaming or complaining about the other parent within the children’s presence or earshot. | ||
*Parents expecting children to comfort them instead of seeking adult interaction. | *Parents expecting children to comfort them instead of seeking adult interaction. | ||
===Parenting | ===Parenting schedules=== | ||
While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age; and, each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children. | While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age; and, each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children. | ||
====Unequal | ====Unequal time==== | ||
The | The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they give to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, ''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement. | ||
::{| width="65%" class="wikitable" | ::{| width="65%" class="wikitable" | ||
!style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age | !style="width: 11%" align="center"|Age | ||
!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic<br>Recommended Time | !style="width: 18%" align="center"|Basic<br>Recommended Time | ||
!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited<br>Parenting Skills | !style="width: 18%" align="center"|Limited<br>Parenting Skills | ||
!style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good<br>Parenting Skills | !style="width: 18%" align="center"|Good<br>Parenting Skills | ||
|- | |- | ||
|align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit | |align="center"|'''Birth to 8 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each||valign="top"|supervised visits in the primary parent's home||valign="top"|2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit | ||
|- | |- | ||
|align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit | |align="center"|'''9 to 12 months'''||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit||valign="top"|2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each||valign="top"|2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit | ||
|- | |- | ||
|align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays | |align="center"|'''13 months to 3 years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays | ||
|- | |- | ||
|align="center"|'''4 to 5<br>years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays | |align="center"|'''4 to 5<br>years'''||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit||valign="top"|1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit||valign="top"|2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays | ||
|- | |- | ||
|align="center"|'''6 to 8<br>years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight vist, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays | |align="center"|'''6 to 8<br>years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|one weekly 24-hour overnight vist, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays | ||
|- | |- | ||
|align="center"|'''9 to 12<br>years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays | |align="center"|'''9 to 12<br>years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays | ||
|- | |- | ||
|align="center"|'''13 to 18<br>years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays | |align="center"|'''13 to 18<br>years'''||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays||valign="top"|every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child||valign="top"|every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays | ||
|} | |} | ||
====Equal | ====Equal time==== | ||
In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed. | In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed. | ||
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*The visitation schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one year old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned. | *The visitation schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one year old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned. | ||
*The visitation schedule that works for a three year old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither of his or her parents control. | *The visitation schedule that works for a three year old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither of his or her parents control. | ||
*The schedule of a seven year old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments. | *The schedule of a seven year old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments. | ||
*Nine year olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer. | *Nine year olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer. | ||
*The schedule of a twelve year old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends. | *The schedule of a twelve year old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends. | ||
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#much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly; | #much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly; | ||
#the plan refers to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete; and, | #the plan refers to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete; and, | ||
#this plan only describes one visitation schedule. Nothing is stopping you from playing with the parenting plan and changing it to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up. | #this plan only describes one visitation schedule. Nothing is stopping you from playing with the parenting plan and changing it to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up. | ||
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====Special Days==== | ====Special Days==== | ||
When you're working out your visitation schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day. | When you're working out your visitation schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day. | ||
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<blockquote>604-291-3548 phone<br> | <blockquote>604-291-3548 phone<br> | ||
604-291-5846 fax</blockquote> | 604-291-5846 fax</blockquote> | ||
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<blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-2421<br> | <blockquote>Vancouver: 604-660-2421<br> | ||
Victoria: 250-387-6121<br> | Victoria: 250-387-6121<br> | ||
Elsewhere: 800-663-7867 (toll free)</blockquote> | Elsewhere: 800-663-7867 (toll free)</blockquote> | ||
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*The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons | *The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons | ||
*Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld | *Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld | ||
*'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery | *'''The Truth about Children and Divorce''', by R.E. Emery | ||
*Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton | *Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton | ||
*'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman | *'''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''', by M.G. Neuman | ||
*Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci | *Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci | ||
*Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross | *Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross | ||
*Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber | *Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber | ||
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*At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+ | *At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+ | ||
*Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+ | *Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+ | ||
*Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+ | *Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+ | ||
*Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+ | *Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+ | ||
*On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+ | *On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+ | ||
*What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+ | *What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+ | ||
*Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+ | *Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+ | ||
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* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation Program] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation Program] | ||
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2636 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2636 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents] | ||
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/2637 Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure] | ||
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1531 Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation] | ||
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program participants] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1204 BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program participants] | ||
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1638 Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses] | ||
* [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)] | * [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/resource/1179 BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)] | ||
* [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation Program] | * [http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/resources/fact_sheets/parent_after_separation.php Parenting After Separation Program] | ||
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course] | |||
* [http://parenting.familieschange.ca Online Parenting After Separation Course] | |||
{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}} | {{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=chapters}} | ||