Difference between revisions of "Separating Emotionally"

These emotions often wind up clouding a person's <span class="noglossary">judgment</span>. You can find yourself doing things and saying things you never thought you would, or doing things you promised you'd never do again. You can find yourself looking at your partner and wondering who the hell this person really is, and how can he or she be so different from the person you were together with for so long. Unrecognized and unmanaged emotions can take over the emotional and legal processes of separation like a runaway train and take you down tracks you never anticipated.

Litigation is sometimes necessary, even when a couple is capable of a less antagonistic choice: when a party threatens to flee with a child; where there is a history of abuse or where abuse seems imminent; and, where a party is threatening to do something rash with family property. When litigation is provoked by emotions arising from the end of the relationship and isn't really necessary, then you can run into some serious and expensive problems:

*One or both people will adopt an entrenched and unreasonable position about things like the children and other family issues, sometimes a position that they would never have considered taking. Sometimes positions are adopted out of spite or vindictiveness.

*There is an increased risk of the children being used to goad the other parent, although sometimes unintentionally.

Dr. Robert Emery agrees that the Kubler-Ross model applies to separating, but he looks at the grief process in a slightly different way. In his book ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/renegotiating-family-relationships-divorce-child-custody-and-mediation/oclc/30474579&referer=brief_results Renegotiating Family Relationships]'', Dr. Emery describes the grieving process as a cycle of love, anger, and sadness, which gets repeated in varying degrees of intensity as a person works his or her way through the Kubler-Ross stages, from shock and denial through to acceptance of the end of the relationship.

All of us seek allies as we cope with the end of a relationship. It's human nature. Allies may be found in family members, friends, co-workers, or a new boyfriend or girlfriend. While we all appreciate the support that allies can <span class="noglossary">offer</span>, allies can also polarize your position about your former partner, and sometimes encourage you to take an unreasonable and entrenched position when you need to be more flexible.

*First, draw clear boundaries around your relationship with your former partner. Let your partner know what you're prepared to talk to him or her about, what information you're prepared to share, and what if anything you're prepared to do with the children together.

*Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner.

*Third, respect these new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries and keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but you're best off following this old saying: don't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say.

This, of course, is the type of separation to be wary of. These separations are also known as "high-conflict" separations. Couples in an angry separation have trouble letting go of the marriage, and feel intense pain and anger. Their emotions are usually raw and neither party has done a great deal to manage their feelings.

These couples have the hardest time dealing with each other and the legal issues between them, as they focus on "fault" and "blame," and are often unable to stop themselves from lashing out hurtfully. Resolving the issues is the most difficult for these couples, and they are the most prone to protracted, ugly litigation.

You should also know that many lawyers who litigate are also accredited family law mediators. If the lawyer you're speaking to is also a family law mediator, you may want to enquire about the possibility of using his or her services to mediate your dispute before you say much more about your case. If you give the lawyer too much information about your situation, he or she may not be able to assume the impartial role demanded of a mediator.