Difference between revisions of "Family Law Mediation"

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Family Law Mediation (view source)

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At its heart, mediation is a cooperative, managed process of negotiation. Both parties must be willing to work together and each must be prepared to give a little and take a little. Because the mediation process is based on a cooperative effort to achieve a common goal, a settlement of the legal issues, there is usually a lot less of the bitterness and acrimony that can accompany litigation. Mediation is also much, much cheaper than litigation.
At its heart, mediation is a cooperative, managed process of negotiation. Both parties must be willing to work together and each must be prepared to give a little and take a little. Because the mediation process is based on a cooperative effort to achieve a common goal, a settlement of the legal issues, there is usually a lot less of the bitterness and acrimony that can accompany litigation. Mediation is also much, much cheaper than litigation.


A couple can start mediation as an alternative to court or as a settlement process after a court proceeding has started. The result of a successful process of mediation is usually a separation agreement. If litigation has started, a settlement can be recorded as either a ''separation agreement'' or as an order that the parties agree the court will make, called a ''consent order''. If a couple are married, a consent order may make sense since they'll require an order for their divorce anyway.
A couple can start mediation as an alternative to court or as a settlement process after a court proceeding has started. The result of a successful process of mediation is usually a ''separation agreement''. If litigation has started, a settlement can be recorded as either a separation agreement or as an order that the parties agree the court will make, called a ''consent order''. If a couple are married, a consent order may make sense since they'll require an order for their divorce anyway.


Normally, just the people involved in the dispute attend mediation with their mediator, but they can bring their lawyers along as as well. The mediator's job is to facilitate the parties' negotiations, to provide a neutral third-party perspective, and to help ensure that any settlement is reasonably fair to all concerned, including the children of the relationship. As a mediator myself, I often appreciate having the lawyers present; it makes my job easier if I can rely on the lawyers to explain the law or to point out why a particular position is ill-advised.
Normally, just the people involved in the dispute attend mediation with their mediator, but they can bring their lawyers along as as well. The mediator's job is to facilitate the parties' negotiations, to provide a neutral third-party perspective, and to help ensure that any settlement is reasonably fair to all concerned, including the children of the relationship. As a mediator myself, I often appreciate having the lawyers present; it makes my job easier if I can rely on the lawyers to explain the law or to point out why a particular position is ill-advised.


The mediator has no stake in how the mediation turns out, and should have no bias in favour of either party and no special connection with either party. The mediator's position as a neutral third party is probably the mediator's most important role. It allows the mediator to be absolutely frank with each of the parties, and to point out when a party's expectations for an issue are unrealistic. Someone involved in mediation is a lot more likely to accept that his or her position is unreasonable when a mediator says so, rather than the other party.
The mediator has no stake in how the mediation turns out, and should have no bias in favour of either party and no special connection with either party. The mediator's position as a neutral third party is probably the mediator's most important role. It allows the mediator to be absolutely frank with each of the parties, and to point out when a party's expectations for an issue are unrealistic. Someone involved in mediation is a lot more likely to accept that their position is unreasonable when a mediator says so, rather than the other party.


==The mediation process==
==The mediation process==
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The first step is for each party to hire a lawyer. Even if you don't intend on hiring the lawyer for the whole mediation process or have the lawyer present at the mediation, it can be critical to meet with a lawyer before the process begins to get some proper legal advice about the law that applies to your situation, and a sense of the general range of likely outcomes and the options available to you.
The first step is for each party to hire a lawyer. Even if you don't intend on hiring the lawyer for the whole mediation process or have the lawyer present at the mediation, it can be critical to meet with a lawyer before the process begins to get some proper legal advice about the law that applies to your situation, and a sense of the general range of likely outcomes and the options available to you.


If you plan on retaining the lawyer for the mediation process, the lawyer will have the names of three or four mediators with whom he or she prefers to work. [http://mediatebc.com/Mediation-Services/Family-Mediation-Services.aspx Mediate BC], formerly the BC Mediation Roster Society, maintains a list of many, but not all, of the people who are trained as mediators in this province. Their website can help you find a mediator and offers more information about the mediation process. Many family law lawyers, who may or may not be members of Mediate BC, are also accredited family law mediators; lawyers who work as mediators will usually say so in their advertising.
If you plan on retaining the lawyer for the mediation process, the lawyer will have the names of three or four mediators with whom they prefers to work. [http://mediatebc.com/Mediation-Services/Family-Mediation-Services.aspx Mediate BC], formerly the BC Mediation Roster Society, maintains a list of many, but not all, of the people who are trained as mediators in this province. Their website can help you find a mediator and offers more information about the mediation process. Many family law lawyers, who may or may not be members of Mediate BC, are also accredited family law mediators; lawyers who work as mediators will usually say so in their advertising.


===Getting organized===
===Getting organized===
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Supporting documents will have to be gathered as well, which will usually consist of things like:
Supporting documents will have to be gathered as well, which will usually consist of things like:


#income tax returns,
*income tax returns,
#paystubs or other proof of income,
*pay stubs or other proof of income,
#property assessments or appraisals, and,
*property assessments or appraisals, and,
#corporate financial statements and tax returns.
*corporate financial statements and tax returns.


It is critical that both parties are honest and forthcoming about their finances; nothing will damage the mediation process more than the <span class="noglossary">discovery</span> that someone is hiding information or acting in bad faith.
It is critical that both parties are honest and forthcoming about their finances; nothing will damage the mediation process more than the <span class="noglossary">discovery</span> that someone is hiding information or acting in bad faith.
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Once all the information, reports, and briefs have been gathered and exchanged, and everybody has had a chance to digest everything, the parties, the lawyers and the mediator will meet at one or more mediation sessions. The mediator will first welcome everyone to the table, and ask the parties to sign a mediation agreement before anything else happens. The mediation agreement sets out the terms of the mediation sessions, requires the parties not to use the discussions held during mediation in any litigation, and describes the terms on which the mediator will be paid.
Once all the information, reports, and briefs have been gathered and exchanged, and everybody has had a chance to digest everything, the parties, the lawyers and the mediator will meet at one or more mediation sessions. The mediator will first welcome everyone to the table, and ask the parties to sign a mediation agreement before anything else happens. The mediation agreement sets out the terms of the mediation sessions, requires the parties not to use the discussions held during mediation in any litigation, and describes the terms on which the mediator will be paid.


After the mediation agreement has been signed, each mediator will have his or her own preferred way of doing things. Most will ask someone to provide a general overview of the relationship and describe what exactly is at issue. Each party will have the opportunity to state their position on things. If lawyers are being used, they will inevitably do most of the talking, but the parties themselves will have ample opportunity to speak their minds... and you really should, it's your dispute!
After the mediation agreement has been signed, each mediator will have their own preferred way of doing things. Most will ask someone to provide a general overview of the relationship and describe what exactly is at issue. Each party will have the opportunity to state their position on things. If lawyers are being used, they will inevitably do most of the talking, but the parties themselves will have ample opportunity to speak their minds... and you really should, it's your dispute!


Once this initial exchange of positions is complete, the mediator may keep everyone in the same room or may split the parties into separate rooms. If the parties are kept together, the mediator will press on and work on the problem, issue by issue. The mediator will keep some control over how the discussion flows, tamp the emotions down when things get heated, and keep everyone focused on their interests and the law rather than their emotions and the grievances of the past. If the parties are split into separate rooms, the mediator will alternate working with each party and will shuttle between each of the rooms. You may hear people describe this style of mediation as ''shuttle mediation''.
Once this initial exchange of positions is complete, the mediator may keep everyone in the same room or may split the parties into separate rooms. If the parties are kept together, the mediator will press on and work on the problem, issue by issue. The mediator will keep some control over how the discussion flows, tamp the emotions down when things get heated, and keep everyone focused on their interests and the law rather than their emotions and the grievances of the past. If the parties are split into separate rooms, the mediator will alternate working with each party and will shuttle between each of the rooms. You may hear people describe this style of mediation as ''shuttle mediation''.
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The final stage involves the putting the terms of the agreement into more formal language in a legal document that both parties, or, depending on the type of document, their lawyers will sign. Typically, a settlement will be recorded as a separation agreement or, if there is an existing court proceeding or the parties need to get divorced, an order that the parties agree the court should make.   
The final stage involves the putting the terms of the agreement into more formal language in a legal document that both parties, or, depending on the type of document, their lawyers will sign. Typically, a settlement will be recorded as a separation agreement or, if there is an existing court proceeding or the parties need to get divorced, an order that the parties agree the court should make.   


If a party changes his or her mind before the separation agreement or consent order is filed, the minutes of settlement can be enforced in court as evidence of the deal reached between the parties. In fact, in certain circumstances the mediator's notes alone may stand as proof of the parties' agreement. As long as it is plain what has been agreed to and that the intentions of the parties were finally settled, the minutes or the mediator's notes can be used as evidence of a binding agreement.
If a party changes their mind before the separation agreement or consent order is filed, the minutes of settlement can be enforced in court as evidence of the deal reached between the parties. In fact, in certain circumstances the mediator's notes alone may stand as proof of the parties' agreement. As long as it is plain what has been agreed to and that the intentions of the parties were finally settled, the minutes or the mediator's notes can be used as evidence of a binding agreement.


Note that if you are relying on a mediated settlement in court, it is important that the settlement be conclusive and leaving nothing else for further negotiation or confirmation. In the 2005 British Columbia Supreme Court case of ''[http://canlii.ca/t/1q34b S.A.A. v. P.W.J.A.]'', 2005 BCSC 603, the court held that the parties couldn't rely on an agreement that was "subject to confirmation" as a final, binding agreement. In that case, the agreement was subject to the wife producing financial information which, when produced, did not confirm the information provided at mediation.
Note that if you are relying on a mediated settlement in court, it is important that the settlement be conclusive and leaving nothing else for further negotiation or confirmation. In the 2005 British Columbia Supreme Court case of ''[http://canlii.ca/t/1q34b S.A.A. v. P.W.J.A.]'', 2005 BCSC 603, the court held that the parties couldn't rely on an agreement that was "subject to confirmation" as a final, binding agreement. In that case, the agreement was subject to the wife producing financial information which, when produced, did not confirm the information provided at mediation.
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Remember that the more you argue about a particular position of yours, the more you wind up being stuck with that position. Many people find that after they've argued a particular point to death, they're stuck with it because they can't back down without losing face. Try to focus on interests rather than on positions, and to always ask yourself "Why not?" when you hear what the other side has to say.
Remember that the more you argue about a particular position of yours, the more you wind up being stuck with that position. Many people find that after they've argued a particular point to death, they're stuck with it because they can't back down without losing face. Try to focus on interests rather than on positions, and to always ask yourself "Why not?" when you hear what the other side has to say.


One of the most important skills you can bring to your mediation session is the ability to actively listen to what the other side is saying. Active listening involves paying close attention to what the other side is saying, and restating his or her position to ensure that you know what the other side means and to ensure that the other side recognizes that you're <span class="noglossary">hearing</span> what he or she is saying. Phrases like "What I hear you saying is..." and "If I understand you correctly, what you're saying is..." can be extremely helpful. At the same time, you must also take some care in how you choose to express yourself. Instead of saying "You did..." or "You're a...," try something like "When you did that I felt..." or "I feel that..." This may all seem a bit flaky, but believe it or not it works.
One of the most important skills you can bring to your mediation session is the ability to actively listen to what the other side is saying. Active listening involves paying close attention to what the other side is saying, and restating their position to ensure that you know what the other side means and to ensure that the other side recognizes that you're <span class="noglossary">hearing</span> what they are saying. Phrases like "What I hear you saying is..." and "If I understand you correctly, what you're saying is..." can be extremely helpful. At the same time, you must also take some care in how you choose to express yourself. Instead of saying "You did..." or "You're a...," try something like "When you did that I felt..." or "I feel that..." This may all seem a bit flaky, but believe it or not it works.


You must be able to talk directly about a problem in an assertive, direct manner. Talk about the issues; don't skirt around them, no matter how uncomfortable or awkward you might feel. Take care in how you express yourself, but when you're in a private session with the mediator, don't mince words.
You must be able to talk directly about a problem in an assertive, direct manner. Talk about the issues; don't skirt around them, no matter how uncomfortable or awkward you might feel. Take care in how you express yourself, but when you're in a private session with the mediator, don't mince words.
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* Don't hide information, financial or otherwise, on the assumption that the other party won't find out. They usually do, and if they do the process is likely at an end.
* Don't hide information, financial or otherwise, on the assumption that the other party won't find out. They usually do, and if they do the process is likely at an end.
* Don't raise your voice or make comments that are hurtful.
* Don't raise your voice or make comments that are hurtful.
* Don't interrupt. Wait until each person has stopped speaking before you interject, no matter how upset you might feel with what he or she is saying.
* Don't interrupt. Wait until each person has stopped speaking before you interject, no matter how upset you might feel with what they are saying.
* Negotiations are stressful, but don't use drugs or alcohol to calm your nerves. Drugs and alcohol will impair your judgment and reduce your ability to be objective and bargain in your own best interests.
* Negotiations are stressful, but don't use drugs or alcohol to calm your nerves. Drugs and alcohol will impair your judgment and reduce your ability to be objective and bargain in your own best interests.
* Don't feel that you must give an instant answer when you can't. Take a few moments or a few minutes to compose your reply; no one will begrudge a considered response.
* Don't feel that you must give an instant answer when you can't. Take a few moments or a few minutes to compose your reply; no one will begrudge a considered response.
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