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Difference between revisions of "Separating Emotionally"
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Ending a long-term relationship, whether married or unmarried, is not just a matter of packing your bags and walking out the front door. Separation stirs up incredibly powerful emotions that can take a surprisingly long time to work through; many counsellors liken these emotions to the grieving process that follows the death of a loved one. Chief among these emotions are love, anger, remorse, and sadness, and separating couples often find themselves experiencing these emotions in a very intense manner and cycling through them over and over. | Ending a long-term relationship, whether married or unmarried, is not just a matter of packing your bags and walking out the front door. Separation stirs up incredibly powerful emotions that can take a surprisingly long time to work through; many counsellors liken these emotions to the grieving process that follows the death of a loved one. Chief among these emotions are love, anger, remorse, and sadness, and separating couples often find themselves experiencing these emotions in a very intense manner and cycling through them over and over. | ||
These emotions often wind up clouding a person's <span class="noglossary">judgment</span>. You can find yourself doing things and saying things you never thought you would, or doing things you promised you'd never do again. You can find yourself looking at your partner and wondering who the hell this person really is, and how can | These emotions often wind up clouding a person's <span class="noglossary">judgment</span>. You can find yourself doing things and saying things you never thought you would, or doing things you promised you'd never do again. You can find yourself looking at your partner and wondering who the hell this person really is, and how can they be so different from the person you were together with for so long. Unrecognized and unmanaged emotions can take over the emotional and legal processes of separation like a runaway train and take you down tracks you never anticipated. | ||
The emotions involved in separation are normal. Everyone experiences them, although we each process these emotions in our own way. From a lawyer's perspective, the key problems that must be processed in the midst of these distorted and confused feelings are: | The emotions involved in separation are normal. Everyone experiences them, although we each process these emotions in our own way. From a lawyer's perspective, the key problems that must be processed in the midst of these distorted and confused feelings are: | ||
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*'''Acceptance:''' "I'm ready for whatever comes." Finally finding the way forward. Decisions are much easier to make because people have found new purpose, having begun to accept the loss. | *'''Acceptance:''' "I'm ready for whatever comes." Finally finding the way forward. Decisions are much easier to make because people have found new purpose, having begun to accept the loss. | ||
Dr. Robert Emery agrees that the Kubler-Ross model applies to separating, but he looks at the grief process in a slightly different way. In his book ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/renegotiating-family-relationships-divorce-child-custody-and-mediation/oclc/30474579&referer=brief_results Renegotiating Family Relationships]'', Dr. Emery describes the grieving process as a cycle of love, anger, and sadness, which gets repeated in varying degrees of intensity as a person works | Dr. Robert Emery agrees that the Kubler-Ross model applies to separating, but he looks at the grief process in a slightly different way. In his book ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/renegotiating-family-relationships-divorce-child-custody-and-mediation/oclc/30474579&referer=brief_results Renegotiating Family Relationships]'', Dr. Emery describes the grieving process as a cycle of love, anger, and sadness, which gets repeated in varying degrees of intensity as a person works their way through the Kubler-Ross stages, from shock and denial through to acceptance of the end of the relationship. | ||
In his excellent book ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/truth-about-children-and-divorce-dealing-with-the-emotions-so-you-and-your-children-can-thrive/oclc/53485317&referer=brief_results The Truth about Children and Divorce]'', Dr. Emery says this: | In his excellent book ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/truth-about-children-and-divorce-dealing-with-the-emotions-so-you-and-your-children-can-thrive/oclc/53485317&referer=brief_results The Truth about Children and Divorce]'', Dr. Emery says this: | ||
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It is enormously difficult, but you simply must keep a button on your emotions while you grieve. Dr. Emery offers these suggestions in ''The Truth about Children and Divorce'': | It is enormously difficult, but you simply must keep a button on your emotions while you grieve. Dr. Emery offers these suggestions in ''The Truth about Children and Divorce'': | ||
*First, draw clear boundaries around your relationship with your former partner. Let your partner know what you're prepared to talk to | *First, draw clear boundaries around your relationship with your former partner. Let your partner know what you're prepared to talk to them about, what information you're prepared to share, and what if anything you're prepared to do with the children together. | ||
*Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner. | *Second, use those boundaries to form a more business-like relationship with your former partner. The two of you may not be friends, but together you are engaged in the "business" of parenting your children. Keep your emotional distance from your former partner. | ||
*Third, respect these new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries and keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but you're best off following this old saying: don't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say. | *Third, respect these new rules. Don't intrude past those boundaries and keep your discussions focused on parenting. It may be hard not to react when your former partner pushes your buttons, but you're best off following this old saying: don't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say. | ||
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How do you find a lawyer? By reputation. Ask around; talk to friends who have had to deal with family lawyers before; ask for referrals from the other professionals in your life. You can also window shop. You don't have to hire the first lawyer you have a consultation with; go ahead and set up meetings with a bunch of different lawyers. You can find additional information about hiring a lawyer in the chapter about [[Introduction to the Legal System for Family Matters|The Legal System]], in the section [[You & Your Lawyer]]. | How do you find a lawyer? By reputation. Ask around; talk to friends who have had to deal with family lawyers before; ask for referrals from the other professionals in your life. You can also window shop. You don't have to hire the first lawyer you have a consultation with; go ahead and set up meetings with a bunch of different lawyers. You can find additional information about hiring a lawyer in the chapter about [[Introduction to the Legal System for Family Matters|The Legal System]], in the section [[You & Your Lawyer]]. | ||
You should also know that many lawyers who litigate are also accredited family law mediators. If the lawyer you're speaking to is also a family law mediator, you may want to enquire about the possibility of using | You should also know that many lawyers who litigate are also accredited family law mediators. If the lawyer you're speaking to is also a family law mediator, you may want to enquire about the possibility of using their services to mediate your dispute before you say much more about your case. If you give the lawyer too much information about your situation, they may not be able to assume the impartial role demanded of a mediator. | ||
===Required reading=== | ===Required reading=== | ||