Difference between revisions of "Separating Emotionally"

The previous page discussed the law about separation. This page talks about the emotional dimension of separation. The laws and the courts only deal with a narrow slice of all the things that go on when a relationship ends and often ignore, because they must, the larger emotional and psychological issues. These issues, however, influence a couple's ability to work together after separation and often play a huge role in determining how a separating couple will go about resolving their legal problems.

An understanding of the emotions involved in separation can help to reduce conflict and the cost of resolving the legal issues involved in separation. This page applies to both married and unmarried couples and provides an introduction to separating emotionally, looks at the grieving process that accompanies the end of a long-term relationship, and discusses how the emotional aspects of separation can impact on the resolution of the legal issues a couple might have to deal with.

#settling the legal issues that crop up at the end of a relationship;

The vast majority of couples can resolve their issues through negotiation or mediation, no matter how angry they are with one another. Where a couple simply cannot separate the emotional baggage of separation from the resolution of the legal issues that have come to the end of their relationship, litigation may be inevitable.

Many studies have shown that mediation and collaborative settlement processes produce agreements that are better for both parties, better for the children, and last longer than the results of litigation. Mediation and collaborative processes can help a couple to work through their individual emotional issues and can produce an agreement that isn't so much a legal contract as it is a moral contract. Parents especially tend to deal with each other, and with their children, with a lot less rancour following a mediated or collaborative resolution of their problems.

Litigation is sometimes necessary, even when a couple is capable of less antagonistic choice: when a party threatens to flee with a child; where there is a history of abuse or where abuse seems imminent; and, where a party is threatening to do something rash with family property. When litigation is provoked by emotions arising from the end of the relationship and isn't really necessary, then you can run into some serious and expensive problems...

*There will be many interim applications and the litigation may not be settled even with a trial. In circumstances like this, the litigation many never truly end, especially when there are children involved.

As a result of all of this, it can be critical to get a grip on your emotions right out of the starting gate. While all of these emotions are common, natural and entirely understandable, failing to recognize and manage them can lead to disastrous short- and long-term consequences to your emotional well-being, your relationship with your children, your children's emotional well-being, and your financial situation. If you are having trouble managing your feelings and you have children, see a counsellor as soon as possible.

When a couple of have children, they must accept that they will remain a permanent part of each other's lives, whether they like it or not. A couple may no longer be partners but they will always be parents. The parental relationship does not end with the romantic relationship.

The [http://www.justicebc.ca/en/fam/help/pas/index.html Parenting After Separation program] is available throughout British Columbia. In my view, all couples with children can benefit from this program, no matter how well or poorly you think you and your former partner get along. The PAS program can offer important advice about talking to your children about the separation, talking about your former partner with the children, and talking with your former partner in ways that avoid hurting and wounding and are focused on the children.

Information about parenting after separation, including contact information for the different agencies that offer the PAS program, is available in the chapter on [[Parenting After Separation]]. As well, some very good research papers and literature reviews about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation and other topics relating to child's well being and outcomes following separation can be found at the [http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/tool-util/topic-theme/index.html website of the Department of Justice]. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this chapter should be read with a grain of salt as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason, you are cautioned that this page should not be used as authority for the propositions it sets out.

Finally, there are a ton of resources available to help you cope with the separation process and protecting the emotionally harmful aspects of the process away from your children. In addition to public programs, many counsellors specialize in helping people work through the emotional turmoil that often follows the end of a long-term relationship. Since counsellors are unregulated, anyone can hang a shingle saying that they offer counselling services. What you should be looking for are people with the designation of Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC), Certified Canadian Counsellor (CCC) or Registered Psychologist (RPsych).

*'''Acceptance:''' "I'm ready for whatever comes." Finally finding the way forward. Decisions are much easier to make because people have found new purpose having begun to accept the loss.

Dr. Robert Emery agrees that the Kubler-Ross model applies to separating, but he looks at the grief process in slightly different way. In his book ''[http://www.worldcat.org/title/renegotiating-family-relationships-divorce-child-custody-and-mediation/oclc/30474579&referer=brief_results Renegotiating Family Relationships]'', Dr. Emery describes the grieving process as a cycle of love, anger and sadness which gets repeated in varying degrees of intensity as a person works his or her way through the Kubler-Ross stages, from shock and denial through to acceptance of the end of the relationship.

Each person's goal at the end of the day is to find acceptance, that moment when you don't recognize your former partner's voice on the telephone right away. As Dr. Emery has observed, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

All of us seek allies as we cope with the end of a relationship, it's human nature. Allies may be found in family members, friends, coworkers or a new boyfriend or girlfriend. While we all appreciate the support that allies can offer, allies can also polarize your position with respect to your former partner, and sometimes encourage you to take an unreasonable and entrenched position when you need to be more flexible.

You shouldn't stop seeking reassurance and comfort from your allies, but you should try to be alert about the influence allies can have, even though they're not intentionally trying to worsen the issues you and your former partner are dealing with.

Some people best manage a breakup by walking out the door and never looking back, and doing their grieving alone. This just isn't possible where there is property to manage and divide, and it's especially not possible when a couple have children. You can't change your phone number, you can't stop answering the phone, and you can't refuse to see your former partner if you have children. You are still mom or dad, and you'll always be mom or dad and have a relationship with the other parent until and unless your children predecease you.

As a result, it is even more critical for you to properly manage the roller coaster emotions of separation when you have children. You may be caught up in a whirlwind of anger and remorse at the present, but you have to think of the long-term effect of any rash behaviour. Do you want to be able to attend your child's graduation ceremony? Do you want to go to your child's wedding? How do you want your child to think of you in five years?