How Do I Start Mediation with My Spouse?: Difference between revisions

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{{JP Boyd on Family Law How Do I TOC|expanded=alternatives}}
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==Pick the right moment==
==Pick the right moment==


You can't force your ex to go to mediation with you, you can only do it with his or her agreement. Your ex isn't likely to agree to go and see a mediator if he or she is still pissed off about a recent argument or is still resentful about the end of the relationship.
With one exception, you can't force your ex to go to mediation with you, you can only do it with their agreement. Your ex isn't likely to agree to go and see a mediator if they are still pissed off about a recent argument or still resentful about the end of the relationship.


When you've got the right moment, suggesting mediation can be as simple as calling your ex up and inviting him or her out for a cup of coffee at the local Tim Hortons:
When you've got the right moment, suggesting mediation can be as simple as calling your ex up and inviting them out for a cup of coffee at the local Tim Hortons:


<blockquote>"Hey look, I think it's time that we sat down and started to talk about things. I know you're still a bit upset about everything, but we really need to make a few decisions and I don't think we're going to be able to do this on our own. I've asked my friend Sally what happened with her and Frank, and she said that they used a mediator."</blockquote>
<blockquote>"Hey look, I think it's time that we sat down and started to talk about things. I know you're still a bit upset about everything, and we really need to make a few decisions and I don't think we're going to be able to do this on our own. I've asked my friend Sally what happened with her and Frank, and she said that they used a mediator."</blockquote>


At this point, it's all about getting your ex to try mediation, and it's your job to sell the idea. Here are some reasons why mediation is a really, really good idea:
At this point, it's all about getting your ex to try mediation, and it's your job to sell the idea. Here are some reasons why mediation is a really, really good idea:
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*if I haven't mentioned this, mediation is much cheaper than hiring lawyers and going to court.
*if I haven't mentioned this, mediation is much cheaper than hiring lawyers and going to court.


Going to trial <span class="noglossary">will</span> cost a minimum of $15,000 in lawyer's fees for a two- or three-day trial. Most family law trials are one or two weeks long, and this figure ignores the <span class="noglossary">costs</span> of all the other things that have to happen before you walk into the courtroom on day one!
Going to trial with a lawyer on your side will likely cost between $10,000 and $15,000 per day of trial. Most family law trials last one or two weeks or longer, and this figure ignores the costs of all the other things that have to happen before you walk into the courtroom on day one!  


If this doesn't get your ex to agree to see a mediator, tell him or her to ask separated friends, family members and co-workers how much it cost for their court proceedings and how long it took to go from start to finish.
If these expensive numbers don't get your ex to agree to see a mediator, tell them to ask separated friends, family members, and co-workers how much it cost for their court proceedings and how long it took to go from start to finish.  
 
It can also be helpful to give them some resources: like referring them to the [[Family Law Mediation]] section of this wikibook, or sending them to [https://www.mediatebc.com/ MediateBC] to learn more about family law mediation.
 
The exception I mentioned above is that if you and your partner have already started an action in Supreme Court, you may file a Notice to Mediate under the ''[http://canlii.ca/t/85bd Notice to Mediate (Family) Regulation]''.  This rule provides a mechanism for forcing parties to try mediation before they can have a trial. 
 
<!-- THIS IS A HIDDEN COMMENT FROM NATE: I'LL HIDE THE BELOW REFERENCE TO A NEW POSSIBLE HOW DO I PAGE UNTIL JANE AND TARYN DECIDE WHETHER TO MAKE ONE
To find out how to use the regulation to force mediation see [[How Do I Force a Party to Mediation?]] in the ''[[JP Boyd on Family Law — How Do I?|How Do I?]]'' section.
-->


==Hire a mediator==
==Hire a mediator==
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Now that your ex has agreed to see a mediator with you, strike while the iron is hot: find a mediator and book an appointment immediately.
Now that your ex has agreed to see a mediator with you, strike while the iron is hot: find a mediator and book an appointment immediately.


Before hiring a mediator, make sure you've looked into his or her background to make sure that the mediator has had special training as a mediator. Lawyers who have training and are accredited to mediate by the Law Society are called family law mediators, and they <span class="noglossary">will</span> usually advertise themselves as such.
Before hiring a mediator, make sure you've looked into their background to make sure that the mediator has had special training as a mediator. Lawyers who have training and are accredited to mediate by the Law Society are called family law mediators, and they <span class="noglossary">will</span> usually advertise themselves as such.


When picking a mediator, first ask around. Have any of your friends used a mediator, and what did they think of the mediator? If that doesn't work, call a family law lawyer. Most family law lawyers keep a short list of the mediators they prefer to use, and <span class="noglossary">will</span> be happy to give you their names and phone numbers.
When picking a mediator, first ask around. Have any of your friends used a mediator, and what did they think of the mediator? If that doesn't work, call a family law lawyer. Most family law lawyers keep a short list of the mediators they prefer to use, and <span class="noglossary">will</span> be happy to give you their names and phone numbers. You can also find a list of some family law mediators at [https://www.mediatebc.com/find-a-mediator/family-roster Mediate BC].


==For more information==
==For more information==


You can find out more about using mediation in the chapter [[Resolving Family Law Problems out of Court]].
You can find out more about using [[mediation]] in the chapter [[Resolving Family Law Problems out of Court]].




{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[JP Boyd]], March 24, 2013}}
{{REVIEWED | reviewer = [[Trudy Hopman]], September 22, 2023}}


{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=how}}
{{JP Boyd on Family Law Navbox|type=how}}


[[Category:How Do I?|S]]
[[Category:Helpful Guides & Common Questions|S]]
[[Category:Alternatives to Court|S]]
[[Category:Alternatives to Court|S]]
[[Category:JP Boyd on Family Law]]


  {{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}
  {{Creative Commons for JP Boyd}}

Latest revision as of 21:51, 17 January 2024

Pick the right moment[edit]

With one exception, you can't force your ex to go to mediation with you, you can only do it with their agreement. Your ex isn't likely to agree to go and see a mediator if they are still pissed off about a recent argument or still resentful about the end of the relationship.

When you've got the right moment, suggesting mediation can be as simple as calling your ex up and inviting them out for a cup of coffee at the local Tim Hortons:

"Hey look, I think it's time that we sat down and started to talk about things. I know you're still a bit upset about everything, and we really need to make a few decisions and I don't think we're going to be able to do this on our own. I've asked my friend Sally what happened with her and Frank, and she said that they used a mediator."

At this point, it's all about getting your ex to try mediation, and it's your job to sell the idea. Here are some reasons why mediation is a really, really good idea:

  • mediation is much cheaper than hiring lawyers and going to court,
  • the mediator helps you and your ex make a decision together, a decision that you are both as happy with as possible,
  • the decision a judge might make may be one that neither of you are happy with at all,
  • mediation is much cheaper than hiring lawyers and going to court,
  • settlements reached through mediation tend to last a lot longer and people tend to respect their agreements a lot more,
  • mediation will leave you feeling less angry with each other than fighting about things in court,
  • mediation is much cheaper than hiring lawyers and going to court,
  • mediation can be over and done with in a fraction of the time that it takes to go to court, and
  • if I haven't mentioned this, mediation is much cheaper than hiring lawyers and going to court.

Going to trial with a lawyer on your side will likely cost between $10,000 and $15,000 per day of trial. Most family law trials last one or two weeks or longer, and this figure ignores the costs of all the other things that have to happen before you walk into the courtroom on day one!

If these expensive numbers don't get your ex to agree to see a mediator, tell them to ask separated friends, family members, and co-workers how much it cost for their court proceedings and how long it took to go from start to finish.

It can also be helpful to give them some resources: like referring them to the Family Law Mediation section of this wikibook, or sending them to MediateBC to learn more about family law mediation.

The exception I mentioned above is that if you and your partner have already started an action in Supreme Court, you may file a Notice to Mediate under the Notice to Mediate (Family) Regulation. This rule provides a mechanism for forcing parties to try mediation before they can have a trial.


Hire a mediator[edit]

Now that your ex has agreed to see a mediator with you, strike while the iron is hot: find a mediator and book an appointment immediately.

Before hiring a mediator, make sure you've looked into their background to make sure that the mediator has had special training as a mediator. Lawyers who have training and are accredited to mediate by the Law Society are called family law mediators, and they will usually advertise themselves as such.

When picking a mediator, first ask around. Have any of your friends used a mediator, and what did they think of the mediator? If that doesn't work, call a family law lawyer. Most family law lawyers keep a short list of the mediators they prefer to use, and will be happy to give you their names and phone numbers. You can also find a list of some family law mediators at Mediate BC.

For more information[edit]

You can find out more about using mediation in the chapter Resolving Family Law Problems out of Court.


This information applies to British Columbia, Canada. Last reviewed for legal accuracy by Trudy Hopman, September 22, 2023.



JP Boyd on Family Law © John-Paul Boyd and Courthouse Libraries BC is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 Canada Licence.