How Do I Start a Collaborative Process with My Spouse?

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Pick the right moment[edit]

You can't force your ex to start the collaborative process with you, you can only do it with their agreement. Your ex isn't likely to agree to try a collaborative approach to settlement if they are still pissed off about a recent argument or still resentful about the end of the relationship.

When you've got the right moment, suggesting the collaborative process can be as simple as calling your ex up and inviting them to sit down at a coffee shop:

"Hey look, I think it's time that we sat down and started to talk about things. I know you're still a bit upset about everything, and we really need to make a few decisions and I don't think we're going to be able to do this on our own. I've asked my friend Harkamal what happened with her and Baljinder, and she said that they used the collaborative divorce process."

At this point, it's all about getting your ex to try the collaborative process, and it's your job to sell the idea. Here are some reasons why the collaborative approach is a really, really good idea:

  • the collaborative process will give you and your ex the best chance of leaving your relationship on good terms,
  • you can both participate in making the important decisions about your kids, your money, and your property,
  • other helping professionals, like registered clinical counsellors and financial experts, can be brought into the process whenever their specific expertise would help, without paying the lawyers to do everything,
  • everyone is committed to finding a settlement without going to court, including the lawyers,
  • you can create the solution that is best for you and your family,
  • settlements reached through negotiation tend to last longer than decisions imposed by a judge after a trial,
  • the collaborative process is cheaper than going to court, and
  • you'll be done in a fraction of the time that you would have spent in court.

Going to trial with a lawyer on your side will likely cost between $10,000 and $15,000 per day of trial. Most family law trials last one or two weeks or longer, and this figure ignores the costs of all the other things that have to happen before you walk into the courtroom on day one!

If this doesn't get your ex to agree to try a collaborative approach, tell them to ask separated friends, family members, and co-workers how much it cost for their court proceedings and how long it took to go from start to finish. Or maybe your ex would be willing to meet with a counsellor trained in the collaborative process who can help you both work on a parenting plan before starting the process with lawyers. Some people are more open to working on the parenting aspect and are wary of hiring a lawyer, so that can be a good way to start.

Hire collaborative lawyers[edit]

Now that your ex has agreed to the collaborative process, you each need to hire a lawyer trained in the collaborative practice model and get the process underway.

Lawyers who work in the collaborative practice model will say as much in their advertising. Before you hire your lawyer, first ask around. Have any of your friends used a collaborative lawyer, and what did they think of them? You can also find a list of lawyers through the BC-wide Collaborative Roster Society, or one of the other groups listed under the heading "Finding a collaborative professional" in the Collaborative Process section in the Resolving Family Law Problems out of Court chapter. Collaborative practice groups will have lists of their members who are lawyers, mental health professionals, and financial specialists, and the odds are pretty good that if you find a collaborative lawyer who you think you'll work well with, the lawyer will be able to recommend a handful of other lawyers from the same practice group for your ex.

For more information[edit]

You can find out more about the collaborative process in the chapter Resolving Family Law Problems out of Court.


This information applies to British Columbia, Canada. Last reviewed for legal accuracy by Trudy Hopman, September 21, 2023.



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