Difference between revisions of "Parenting Apart"

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with.  

 

First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you and your former partner have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both of you being around the house, or on the schedules you used to keep. They can no longer count on all the little things like the bedtime story from dad, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with mum, and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

While this may sound a little preachy, the fact is that no matter how adults are able to rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. Your job, regardless of your own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect your children from your dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime that will be in the best interests of your children.

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with their child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, shared parenting is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to their child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" when it comes time to determining the parenting arrangements for a child.

Words like "custody" and "access," are still used in the federal ''[[Divorce Act]]''. As noted above, these can be loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their role with the children. This is one reason why the newer provincial ''[[Family Law Act]]'' talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise ''parental responsibilities'' and have ''parenting time'' with their children, and people who are not guardians who have ''contact'' with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' should be used whenever possible.

There are a ton of [http://www.clicklaw.bc.ca/question/commonquestion/1010 Parenting After Separation (PAS) programs] conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, I highly recommend that you attend one of these programs. No matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner, these programs are usually very helpful. Also, in some cases, you, your former partner, or both of you may be ordered by the court to attend a Parenting After Separation program.

The ''Family Law Act'' specifically dismisses this perspective.   

While many families work well with a week on/week off schedule or other shared parenting arrangements,  the ''Family Law Act'' rejects the notion that parents should have the right to have or expect an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with their children before or after separation.

Not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest or ability to in participate in the lives and parenting of their children. Some parents may be quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abuse, alcoholism, or pedophilia) that renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in their child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

Divorce or separation doesn't mess kids up — conflict does. Conflict in intact families and separated families is bad for children.

*The schedule of a twelve-year-old must take into <span class="noglossary">account</span>  their social schedule and activities with friends.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements, but not always, in court orders. Usually, court orders contain a general statement about guardianship and parenting time. However, at times, especially when parents do not agree, the court can and will make very specific orders about the parenting arrangements, such as who is responsible for taking the children to the dentist and the sharing of birthdays, to name a few. Detailed orders are usually crafted to a particular family in an attempt by the court to cover as much of a child's day-to-day life as possible in the hopes of minimizing conflict between the parents.

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a parenting schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the special days that you might want to address in addition to the week-to-week schedule. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it may be important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the work week becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework, and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies, and buying them treats on the weekend.

For working parents, summer holidays may require cooperation (or not) regarding the scheduling of camps and day camps. Ideally, parents can arrange their holidays around the children's availability. However, not every parent has that flexibility. What parents need to keep in mind are the memories that they are creating for their children. Will their children remember summer holidays as being a tug-of-war between parents, or a time of relaxation and fun?

There is no age provided in the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' as to when a child’s views are to determine their own parenting schedule.  While people typically think  the age of 12 is somehow a determining age for when children can make their own decisions on their own parenting schedule, the language of the ''[[Family Law Act]]'' does not specify any particular age when a child's views determine the parenting arrangements.   

Generally, children should not be responsible for making their own parenting arrangements or be involved in negotiating that issue between their parents. If a child is saying that they does not want to see the other parent, then that is a factor the parents need to consider.  A child’s voice must be heard; however, it is important to make the distinction between a child having a “voice” compared to a child making a “choice”.   

*''The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart'', by D. Ahrons

*''Helping your Child through your Divorce'', by F. Bienenfeld

*'''''The Truth about Children and Divorce''''', by R.E. Emery

*''Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce'', by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

*'''''Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way''''', by M.G. Neuman

*''Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child'', by I. Ricci

*''Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex'', by J.A. Ross

*''Helping Children Cope with Divorce'', by A. Teyber

*''At Daddy’s on Saturdays'', by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

*''Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families'', by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

*''Divorce is a Grown Up Problem'', by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

*''Let’s Talk About It: Divorce'', by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

*''On Divorce'' by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

*''What’s Going to Happen to Me?'', by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

*''Why Are We Getting a Divorce?'', by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+