Parenting Apart

The pages which follow discuss the legal issues involved in determining how children will be cared for after a couple separate. It is all important information to know, but none of it talks about the non-legal issues: what it means to parent after separation, how separation affects children, and how parents talk to their children about their separation.

The page is all about putting your children first. It will provide a brief introduction to parenting after separation and look at different types of parenting issues, including parenting schedules and parenting plans. A selection of related parenting resources and reading materials is also provided.

Introduction

If you've got children and you've separated from your partner, you'll find you've got three enormous problems to deal with. First, you've got to get a grip on all the emotional baggage that comes along with the end of a relationship. Second, you've got a pile of legal issues you have to sort through. Finally, but most importantly, you have to develop a strategy for parenting your children after the relationship ends.

No matter how pressing the first two issues are, you must remember that the post-separation parenting of your children must take priority over everything else. If you think the end of your relationship is difficult for you, imagine how confusing and unsettling it must be for your children. Their needs and best interests must come ahead of your own, and those of your partner; this is certainly the view that the court will take.

You will have found that during your relationship, issues involving the care of your children just sort of worked themselves out, perhaps smoothly, perhaps not. In general, you will have developed a routine, a routine that you and your partner were comfy with and one that your children had become accustomed to.

After separation, that routine isn't possible anymore, especially if you and your partner are living in separate homes. Suddenly, the children can no longer rely on both parents being around the house, on the schedules each parent used to keep, or on all the little things like the bedtime story from a particular parent, the special breakfast, playing catch after school with the other parent and so forth. On top of all that change and uncertainty, the children will be fully aware that something isn't right between their parents, even if they don't quite grasp exactly what's going on.

This is all a little preachy, but the fact is that no matter how adults are able to intellectually rationalize the consequences of the end of their relationship, children can't. The job of the parents, regardless of their own emotional and legal entanglements, is to protect their children from their dispute as much as possible, and to develop a parenting regime which will maximize their respective involvement in the children's lives.

Language

The words we use often shape how we see the world around us. There's a big difference, for example, between saying "Pat lied to me about ..." and "Pat was mistaken when he told me that ..." In the same way, there's a difference between saying "Tuesday is my access day" and "Tuesday is when I visit with Moesha."

Over the past ten years or so, the courts and policy makers have become increasingly sensitive to how the words used to describe a parent's involvement with his or her child can impact on both the child's and the parent's perception of that relationship. As a result, joint custody is becoming increasingly the standard, even in situations where, twenty years ago, Parent A would be described as the "access parent" and Parent B would be described as the "custodial parent." The phrase "access parent" can often lead to a sense, shared by everyone, including the children, that this parent is somehow a lesser parent, has less of a role to play, or is less important to his or her child's life. It also encourages the idea that there are "winning parents" and "losing parents" in custody disputes, when really the main winner or loser is the child.

Words like "custody" and "access", used in the federal Divorce Act, are loaded terms with a lot of extra meanings that aren't particularly helpful to the children, or to each parent's view of their role with the children. However, the new provincial Family Law Act talks about the care of children in terms of guardians who exercise parental responsibilities and have parenting time with their children, and people who are not guardians who have contact with a child. This is a huge improvement, and the language of the Family Law Act should be used whenever possible.

A few final notes from JP Boyd

I am not a psychologist, a psychiatrist or a counsellor. As a result this page should be read with a grain of salt, as it is based on my observations of my clients' experiences and a healthy dose of common sense. For the same reason you are cautioned that this page should not be used as an authority for the propositions it sets out.

Secondly, there are a ton of Parenting After Separation Programs conducted by trained psychologists and counsellors available throughout British Columbia. If you are separating or have separated, it is highly recommended that you attend one of these programs, no matter how good (or bad!) you think your relationship is with your ex-partner.

Parenting after separation

The general consensus among psychologists specializing in childhood development is that the best post-separation parenting arrangement is one in which both parents contribute equally, or near-equally, to the raising of their children and have an equal, or near-equal, amount of time with them.

That being said, not all parents can separate in a civil manner, and not all parents share an equal interest in participating in the lives and parenting of their children. Some people are quite content to walk away and start a new life; others are painfully torn by the conflict between their former partner and their role as a parent. However, in the absence of some serious problem (such as abusiveness, alcoholism or pedophilia) which renders a parent unfit to play a meaningful role in his or her child's life, the practical reality of parenting after separation is this: it is almost always in a child's best interests to grow up with two parents, with as strong a bond with both parents as possible, and to spend as much time with both parents as possible.

Parenting tips

Things to think about:

• Children can best deal with their feelings surrounding the separation experience in a climate of co-operation.

• Working together as parents means co-operating with the other parent about raising the children. If you can't do this in person, try by phone or by using notes that are exchanged with the child.

• It is a myth that parents who were not able to get along as a couple cannot work together as parents. They can. It does take time and effort and redefining the relationship and expectations from being a couple, to a more business-like relationship of partners in the parenting of their children.

• Go directly to the other parent for information, an answer or a solution to a problem. Don’t allow the child to be in the middle, act as a messenger or act as a spy. If you cannot deal directly with the other parent use another adult.

• Give the benefit of the doubt to the other parent’s motives.

• Don’t let yourself get caught in any angry feelings the child may have towards the other parent. Encourage the children to speak about their difficulties with the other parent to the other parent; don't get caught in the middle.

Things that are harmful to children:

• When they are restricted or prevented from spending sufficient time with both parents.

• When children are told or encouraged to believe that one parent is good and the other is bad.

• Encouraging the children to take sides.

• When children don’t feel free to love both parents and also step-parents.

• When parents don’t prepare children for changes that will occur, and when parents burden children with adult problems, such as their legal issues or financial woes.

• When parents compete with or criticize the other parent in front of the children, such as by saying "Your mother is always late," or "What did your father feed you?"

• Badmouthing, blaming or complaining about the other parent within the children’s presence or earshot.

• Parents expecting children to comfort them instead of seeking adult interaction.

Parenting schedules

While, as a basic rule of thumb, equal or near-equal shared time is generally considered the best parenting arrangement possible, it isn't appropriate for all children or for all parents. Two things must be considered when you are developing a parenting schedule: the child's age; and, each parent's parenting skills. First, very young children, especially breastfeeding children, require more constant attention and are not able to be away from one parent for long periods of time. This will change, of course, as they grow older. Second, not all parents have the time to devote to an equal parenting arrangement, and not all parents have the skills and resources to offer the children.

Unequal time

The Langley Family Justice Center published an excellent pamphlet called "Suggested Visitation/Time-Sharing Skills" which they gave to their clients, drawn from Gary Neuman's book, Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. The following is adapted from this pamphlet, and is intended for parents who do not intend to establish an equal time-sharing arrangement.

Age	Basic Recommended Time	Limited Parenting Skills	Good Parenting Skills
Birth to 8 months	2 or 3 weekly visits for 2 to 3 hours each	supervised visits in the primary parent's home	2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one shorter visit
9 to 12 months	2 or 3 weekly visits for 4 to 8 hours each, plus one longer weekend visit	2 to 4 weekly visits for 3 hours each	2 or 3 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit
13 months to 3 years	1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit	1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit	2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a less than equal sharing of holidays
4 to 5 years	1 or 2 weekly visits for 6 to 8 hours each, plus one weekly 24-hour overnight visit	1 or 2 weekly visits for 4 to 6 hours each, and possibly one weekly short overnight visit	2 weekly 24-hour overnight visits that are not consecutive, plus one weekly visit for 6 to 8 hours, and a greater sharing of holidays
6 to 8 years	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays	one weekly 24-hour overnight vist, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 two-day visits during the summer	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays
9 to 12 years	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays	every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 three-day visits during the summer	every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus half of all holidays
13 to 18 years	every other weekend, from Friday after school until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus 3 consecutive weeks during the summer holiday, and half of all other holidays	every other weekend, Saturday morning until Sunday evening, plus one weeknight after school until one hour before bedtime, plus summer visits set in consultation with the child	every other weekend, from Thursday after school until Monday morning before school, plus half of all holidays

Equal time

In an equal parenting schedule, the time that a very, very young child, less than 18 months of age, requires to integrate fully with the other parent can be compressed.

Most children are able to start spending an equal amount of time with each parent by the time they enter Kindergarten, although the weeks should be divided so that the change in home is more frequent.

By Grade Two, many children are able to do a straight week with one parent, following by a whole week with the other parent. Most parents exchange the child on Fridays after school to minimize disruption to the child's schoolwork.

By the time the child is in his or her early teens, the week-on/week-off arrangement can be extended to two weeks with each parent. This will change as the teenager gets older, and his or her preferences should be taken into account around age 14. Some parents even wind up working on a month-on/month-off arrangement with older teens; again, though, this will depend on the parents and the child.

Parenting plans

A parenting plan is a written agreement describing how issues involving the care of children will be handled, typically with a long-term view which addresses how visitation and other arrangements should evolve as the children grow up and mature. Parenting plans are most common when the children are very young when their parents separate, say age five or less.

The main reasons why parents might want to make a parenting plan are to address future issues ahead of time and to minimize the likelihood of future conflict, and basic developmental points in the children's life should be taken into consideration:

• The visitation schedule appropriate for a breastfeeding one year old won't be appropriate when the child is weaned.

• The visitation schedule that works for a three year old won't work when the child turns five, enters the school system, and is suddenly tied to a schedule neither of his or her parents control.

• The schedule of a seven year old must accommodate sports and other extracurricular activities as well as homework and other take-home assignments.

• Nine year olds will be starting to go to day camps or overnight camps during the summer.

• The schedule of a twelve year old must take into account his or her social schedule and activities with friends.

In other words, a visitation schedule can't be static, it has to be able to evolve with time. This is precisely what a parenting plan is intended to address.

Parenting plans also typically address guardianship issues and cover how the parents will make decisions about the children's care, medical needs and schooling. Since parenting plans aren't mentioned in the Divorce Act or the Family Law Act, there are no rules about what should and shouldn't be in a parenting plan and it's up to the parents to be as inclusive, exclusive or creative as they want.

Parenting plans can be included in separation agreements or, but not usually, in court orders. (The best you're likely to get in a court order is a statement about guardianship rights and visitation for the present, with a provision requiring a review of those arrangements in a fixed amount of time.) Parenting plans can also stand on their own as a separate document altogether.

Sample parenting plans

A lot of users of this resource have asked about sample parenting plans. I can't post an example of a parenting plan or separation agreement of my own, as I always draft those from scratch to reflect the unique needs and circumstances of each client. I can, however, post the following parenting plans which are drawn from the Idaho Benchbook, a creation of family law lawyers from the Idaho state bar and judiciary. Other parenting plans and parenting agreements can doubtless be found online. Note three things about the Idaho plan:

1. much of the legal language in the Benchbook plan is suited to American law and won't be suitable for British Columbia parenting plans; you'll have to adapt the terminology accordingly;

1. the plan refers to American subjects (like holidays and social security numbers) that you'll have to change or delete; and,

1. this plan only describes one visitation schedule. Nothing is stopping you from playing with the parenting plan and changing it to include visitation schedules that will evolve as the children grow up.

You might also want to have a look at the Parenting Time Guidelines found in the Indiana Rules of Court which are extremely detailed and very child-focused.

Common visitation issues

There are lots of stumbling blocks that can crop up in preparing a visitation schedule, and it can be very difficult to anticipate all the "special days" that you might want to address. Most often, these special days are things like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day, the children's birthdays and religious holidays.

Other problems can come up when the visitation schedule is ignored by a parent or refused by a child. Some solutions to issues like this are discussed below. More information can be found in other pages in this chapter, including Estranged and Alienated Children.

Weekends

Weekends can be especially important to schedule carefully, and it is important that they be shared between parents, particularly if the children are going to school. Often the parent who has the children during the workweek becomes the disciplinarian, since that parent has the burden of telling the kids to go to sleep on time, do their homework and so forth. The other parent, on the other hand, becomes the "fun" parent, taking the kids to the park, to the movies and buying them treats on the weekend.

It is important that weekends be shared to avoid the children developing a bad parent/fun parent view. It is rarely a good idea to come up with a schedule that gives one parent all of the children's weekends.

Statutory holidays

Make sure that statutory holidays and school Professional Development days are taken account when you work out a visitation schedule. Many schedules which require a parent to return the child on Sunday evening, for example, allow that the child be returned on Monday evening if the Monday is a statutory holiday.

Special days

When you're working out your visitation schedule, don't forget about special days like birthdays, Fathers' Day, Mothers' Day, religious holidays and so forth. Some (but not all) parents do things like alternating the children's birthdays, or making special arrangements for extra time on Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day.

For religious holidays, like Christmas, many parents work out a plan so that in even-numbered years, one parent will have the children from Christmas Eve to the afternoon of Christmas day, and the other parent will have them from the afternoon on Christmas to the evening of Boxing Day, a schedule which reverses on odd-numbered years. Be creative about scheduling these sorts of special days. In the case of Passover, for example, some parents alternate the first and second nights each year.

School holidays

The main school holidays are the winter break (usually about two to two-and-a-half weeks), the spring break (a week or two weeks) and the summer holiday (slightly more than two months). These holidays can be split up, shared between parents every other year, or treated as if the child was in school.

Particularly during the summer, both of the parents should have a fair chunk of time with the children during school holidays. Summers don't have to be split equally — some people's work schedules just won't give them that much time off — but each parent should at least have a solid week with the children. During times like this, the usual visitation schedule is suspended so that each parent's holiday visits are uninterrupted.

Children's refusal to visit

No child, particularly children under the age of twelve, should be able to dictate the time they spend with the other parent. Sometimes children will not want to leave a parent because of a sort of separation anxiety, at other times reluctance is meant intended to show loyalty to the parent the child is leaving.

It is important to continue to ensure the child sees the other parent, and to encourage the child to look forward to the visit. Even when the child seems adamant about not going, you must compel the child to go. Where a visitation schedule takes the form of a court order, the court will place the blame for a missed visit on you, not the child.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the visit, do not take the child's reactions personally, and avoid blaming the other parent. Most often the refusal or reluctance has more to do with the change in residence or a temper tantrum, rather than with a genuine reluctance to see the parent.

If the child's refusal is sudden and the child is highly resistant to the visit, you may want to take the child to a counsellor to confirm that the reasons for the child's refusal are not serious.

Parents' refusal to visit

Children need stability and constancy in their lives. It is disruptive to both them and the other parent when a parent misses a scheduled visit, cancels at the last minute or just fails to show up at all. This is an absolute no-no. Both parents need to be able to rely on a fixed visitation schedule; this benefits the child by giving them a reliable routine, and it benefits both parents by allowing them to plan their life apart from the child. Some flexibility both both parents is a wonderful thing, but a situation where one parent is constantly backing out, cancelling or changing dates is not good for anyone.

From the point of view of the parent expecting the children to be picked up, there is precious little that can be done to enforce access on a disinterested parent. The court cannot compel someone to see their children when they don't want to. What you must consider is whether the disruption and disappointment the children experience warrants stopping the other parent's access altogether.

Parenting resources

There are quite a lot of public and community resources available to help parents deal with parenting issues, including issues arising while the parents are together. No matter what your circumstances are, if you are having problems, get help. Whether that help involves reading a book or a pamphlet, or going to a seminar or meeting with a support group, your children are worth it.

Programs and agencies

The Parenting After Separation Program is run by the Ministry of the Attorney General. It is the mandatory program required of parents by certain Provincial (Family) Courts, but is open to everyone. A list of the agencies that provide this service is available from the Attorney General's Family Justice through Clicklaw.

The Parenting After Separation Program is offered in Cantonese and Mandarin in Surrey, Richmond and Vancouver, call 604-684-1628. The program is also offered in Punjabi and Hindi in those areas, call 604-597-0205.

Simon Fraser University offers Information Children, a fairly broad and extremely useful non-profit program that deals with parenting issues and offers mediation services. This program offers parenting workshops in New Westminster and Burnaby, and has a handy parenting helpline. Contact Information Children through their website or at:

604-291-3548 phone
604-291-5846 fax

The provincial Family Justice Centres may be able to direct you to other helpful parenting resources, and are located across the province. Contact them through Clicklaw's HelpMap or at:

Vancouver: 604-660-6828
Victoria: 250-952-4111

Recommended reading for parents

You can download the Parenting After Separation Program's English handbook online. Copies in Chinese, Punjabi and French are available from the Law Courts Education Society for free by calling the Society at 604-660-9870.

There are lots of good books about parenting after separation available at your local bookstore, included the following (my favourites are in bold):

• The Good Divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart, by D. Ahrons

• Helping your Child through your Divorce, by F. Bienenfeld

• The Truth about Children and Divorce, by R.E. Emery

• Healing Hearts: Helping Children and Adults Recover from Divorce, by E. Hickey and E. Dalton

• Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M.G. Neuman

• Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci

• Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising your Child with an Uncooperative Ex, by J.A. Ross

• Helping Children Cope with Divorce, by A. Teyber

The federal Department of Justice has a number of high-quality resources which may be helpful. The Supporting Families website has a lot of information about separation and divorce. Inside this site you'll find a library of department publications and a wide variety of research papers about parenting after separation, the costs of high-conflict separation and other topics relating to child's well being and outcomes following separation. These papers are of a uniformly high quality and are well worth the read.

Recommended reading for children

The books that follow are drawn from the suggestions of the Vancouver law firm Henderson Heinrichs and are reproduced with permission.

• At Daddy’s on Saturdays, by L. Walvoord and J. Friedman; for ages 5+

• Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families, by L. Krasny Brown and M. Brown; for ages 4+

• Divorce is a Grown Up Problem, by J. Sinberg; for ages 4+

• Let’s Talk About It: Divorce, by F. Rogers; for ages 5+

• On Divorce by S. Bennett Stein and E. Stone; for ages 3+

• What’s Going to Happen to Me?, by E. Leshan; for ages 9+

• Why Are We Getting a Divorce?, by P. Mayle and A. Robins; for ages 6+

In addition to the general purpose Family Justice website, the provincial Attorney General has published two websites at http://www.familieschange.ca designed to help children understand and cope with the issues that arise when their parents separate or divorce, one is for children and the other is for teens; both are very well put together.

The Department of Justice has published a book for 9 to 12 year olds called What Happens Next?, available online and in print. The print version is a lot friendlier and what I'd suggest giving to a child.

Page resources and links

Legislation

• Family Law Act
• Divorce Act

Links

• Clicklaw Common Question: More information about the Parenting After Separation Program

• Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation handbook for parents

• Justice Education Society: Parenting After Separation brochure

• Justice Education Society: Aboriginal Parenting After Separation

• BC Ministry of Justice: Feedback from Parenting After Separation Program participants

• Legal Services Society: Parenting After Separation courses

• BC Ministry of Justice and JES: A guide for grown-ups (Complement kids' guide to separation and divorce)

• Parenting After Separation Program

• Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines

• Sample Parenting Plans Idaho

• Online Parenting After Separation Course

• Simon Fraser University's Information Children Website

• Department of Justice's Supporting Families Website

• Justice Education Society and BC Ministry of Justice's Families Change Website