Behaviour, Boundaries and Privacy after Separation

The previous section in this chapter talked about the emotional aspects of separation, and how they can affect the choices we make to deal with the legal consequences of separation. The next section, "Separation and the Law on Separation", talks about those legal consequences in a lot more detail, but this section is first going to talk about the importance of boundaries and good behaviour after separation.

Introduction

We have all sorts of social scripts about how people meet, fall in love, marry and start having children. You can't watch a Hugh Grant rom-com, walk past the supermarket greeting card aisle, or read one of the very fine novels published by Harlequin Enterprises ULC without have those scripts reinforced. What we don't have are scripts about how people separate. Yes, Hollywood has dabbled its toes in this plotline — Marriage Story and War of the Roses spring to mind — but these are fairly awful stories. What we don't have scripts about how people separate well.

In 1967, two psychologists, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, published a study showing that the end of a long-term relationship is one of the most traumatic events people will endure, second only to the death of a spouse or a child. That seems about right to me. This trauma leads people to do and say things that they'd never do under other circumstances. I've seen people behave far more cruelly toward family members in family law and wills and estates cases than they would ever behave to anyone else, including an enemy.

Maybe this odd and unpleasant phenomenon is where the saying "familiarity breeds contempt" comes from. But perhaps there's another cause than simple familiarity. When spouses separate, particularly when they separate suddenly, they go through an awful transition — from loving partners who would trust each other with their lives to adversaries pitted against each other — in the blink of an eye. That's hard. Understandably, the transition can encourage significant mistrust, ill-will and suspicion among everyone involved.

It takes a big person to accomplish this transition with care and grace. Those of us who don't have the luxury of undertaking the "conscious uncoupling" Gwyneth Paltrow recommends, have to come up with awful lot of patience, respect, and tolerance. (And maturity. Maturity was a common characteristic among the majority of my clients who were able to rise above the emotional battlefield.) On top of that, you also need to be fairly empathetic and develop some pretty top-drawer communication skills.

This section provides some observations, tips and suggestions for those of us who lack the patience of Mother Theresa, the forbearance of Mahatma Ghandi or the wisdom of Siddhartha Gautama. While a lot of these comments are just common sense, you may find one or two things that help.

Good behaviour, bad behaviour

It is so very, very tempting to lash out at your ex when a relationship ends, especially if you didn't see it coming or there was something embarrassing about your separation, like an affair. You shouldn't. Let me tell you why.

First, by cranking up the emotional temperature, you increase the likelihood that your family law problems will be resolved in court. While there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, resolving problems in court takes longer and costs more money than resolving them any other way.

Secondly, I'm sure you want to move past your separation and on with your life. I know that's a tall order, especially when the relationship you've left was a long one, but the more you remain stuck in the indignant and vengeful phase, the longer it'll take you to reach that happy place where you merely regret your relationship, or its end, or both.

Thirdly, arbitration and litigation are based on evidence, and evidence comes in many forms. It comes as email print-outs, screen-shots of text messages, downloads of social media accounts, photocopies of notes and letters, and all the wonderful things forensic technicians can pull out of computers and smartphones. Do you want your arbitrator or judge reading through this sort of stuff? Your anger might be wholly justified, but I don't think you want someone in a position to decide your case reading through all the things you said when you were angry.

Fourthly and most importantly, the two key predictors of children's adaptation to their parents' separation are the quality and strength of their relationships with each parent and the nature and duration of the conflict between their parents. This is tremendously important because parental conflict has a number of short- and long-term negative impacts on children's wellbeing. The longer you and your ex jab at each other, the longer it'll take you to move out of conflict.

The problem, of course, is resisting that temptation. I can't tell you how to do that; it's different for everyone. All I can do is emphasize how important it is to separate with as much dignity and grace as you can muster.

Managing your online life

Don't trash your ex on the internet. You can try to delete your comments later, when you regret them, but the internet never forgets. It is almost guaranteed that there's a record of your comment somewhere in cyberspace. This includes:

1. slagging your ex on Facebook, Instragram and other kinds of social media;
2. leaving negative reviews on professional or commercial rating websites, like Yelp, Angie's List, LawyerRatingz or Rate my Professors;
3. publishing copies of letters, photos and personal notes online; and,
4. publishing copies of affidavits and other court documents online;

It's also worth remembering how tech savvy your kids are or will be. Have you every googled yourself? Most people have. Ask yourself what your kids are going to find when they google you.

Managing real life

Complaints to professional organizers. trash talking Police, MCFD complaints

case of w slagging H online, damages awarded

revenge porn

fake profiles on dating apps

fake personal ads

privacy tips and cautions

can't open other's mail

can't hack into email, social media accounts

can't access other's bank account

change passwords on IOT, email, social media, router

Respecting boundaries, respecting privacy

privacy tips and cautions

can't open other's mail

can't hack into email, social media accounts

can't access other's bank account

Discouraging bad behaviour

change passwords on IOT, email, social media, router

Resources and links

Legislation

• Family Law Act
• Divorce Act

Links

• Legal Services Society’s Family Law website's information page on Separation & Divorce
• Department of Justice's website "Divorce and Separation"
• BC Counsellors by Practice Area
• BC Association of Clinical Counsellors
• Association for Marriage and Family Therapy

This information applies to British Columbia, Canada. Last reviewed for legal accuracy by JP Boyd, 13 March 2020.

JP Boyd on Family Law © John-Paul Boyd and Courthouse Libraries BC is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 Canada Licence.