Behaviour, Boundaries and Privacy after Separation

The previous section in this chapter talked about the emotional aspects of separation, and how they can affect the choices we make to deal with the legal consequences of separation. The next section, "Separation and the Law on Separation", talks about those legal consequences in a lot more detail, but this section is first going to talk about the importance of boundaries and good behaviour after separation.

Introduction

We have all sorts of social scripts about how people meet, fall in love, marry and start having children. You can't watch a Hugh Grant rom-com, walk past the supermarket greeting card aisle, or read one of the very fine novels published by Harlequin Enterprises ULC without have those scripts reinforced. What we don't have are scripts about how people separate. Yes, Hollywood has dabbled its toes in this plotline — Marriage Story and War of the Roses spring to mind — but these are fairly awful stories. What we don't have scripts about how people separate well.

In 1967, two psychologists, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, published a study showing that the end of a long-term relationship is one of the most traumatic events people will endure, second only to the death of a spouse or a child. That seems about right to me. This trauma leads people to do and say things that they'd never do under other circumstances. I've seen people behave far more cruelly toward family members in family law and wills and estates cases than they would ever behave to anyone else, including an enemy.

Perhaps this odd and unpleasant phenomenon is where the saying "familiarity breeds contempt" comes from. But maybe there's another cause than simple familiarity. When spouses separate, particularly when they separate suddenly, they go through an awful transition — from loving partners who would trust each other with their lives to adversaries pitted against each other — in the blink of an eye. That's hard. Understandably, this transition can encourage significant mistrust, ill-will and suspicion among everyone involved.

It takes a big person to accomplish the transition from companions to coworkers with care and grace. Those of us who don't have the luxury of undertaking the "conscious uncoupling" Gwyneth Paltrow recommends have to come up with an awful lot of patience, respect, and tolerance. (And maturity. Maturity was a common characteristic among the majority of my clients who were able to rise above the emotional battlefield.) On top of that, you also need to be fairly empathetic and develop some pretty top-drawer communication skills.

This section provides some observations, tips and suggestions for those of us who lack the patience of Mother Theresa, the forbearance of Mahatma Gandhi or the wisdom of Siddhartha Gautama. While a lot of these comments are just common sense, you may discover one or two suggestions that help.

Good behaviour, bad behaviour

It is so very, very tempting to lash out at your ex when a relationship ends, especially if you didn't see it coming or there was something embarrassing about your separation, like an affair. You shouldn't. Let me tell you why.

First, by cranking up the emotional temperature, you increase the likelihood that your family law problems will be resolved in court. While there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, resolving problems in court takes longer and costs more money than resolving family law problems any other way.

Secondly, I'm sure you want to move past your separation and on with your life. I know that's a tall order, especially when the relationship you've left was a long one, but the more you remain stuck in the indignant and vengeful phase, the longer it'll take you to reach that happy place where you merely regret your relationship, or its end, or both.

Thirdly, arbitration and litigation are based on evidence, and evidence comes in many forms. It comes as email print-outs, screen-shots of text messages, downloads of social media accounts, photocopies of notes and letters, and all of the wonderful things that forensic technicians can pull out of computers and smartphones. Do you want your arbitrator or judge reading through this sort of stuff? Your anger might be wholly justified, but I don't think you want someone in a position to decide your case reading through all of the things you said when you were angry.

Fourthly and most importantly, the two key predictors of children's adaptation to their parents' separation are the quality and strength of their relationships with each parent and the nature and duration of the conflict between their parents. This is tremendously important because parental conflict has a number of short- and long-term negative impacts on children's wellbeing. The longer you and your ex jab at each other, the longer it'll take you to move out of conflict and the more damage you'll do to your kids.

The problem, of course, is resisting that temptation. I can't tell you how to do that; it's different for everyone. All I can do is emphasize how important it is to separate with as much dignity and grace as you can muster.

Managing online life

Don't air the details of your relationship and your separation, or trash your ex, on the internet. You can try to delete your comments later, when you've come to regret them, but the internet never forgets. It's almost a certainty that there's a record of your comment somewhere in cyberspace. The behaviour you need to avoid includes:

1. slagging your ex on Facebook, Instragram and other kinds of social media;
2. leaving negative reviews on professional or commercial rating websites, like Yelp, Angie's List, LawyerRatingz, or Rate my Professors;
3. publishing copies of letters, photos and personal notes online;
4. publishing copies of affidavits and other court documents; and,
5. posting links to court decisions involving you, your ex or your children.

It's also worth remembering how tech-savvy your kids are — or will be. Have you ever googled yourself? Most people have. Ask yourself what your kids are going to find when they google you.

Managing real life

You also need to resist the urge to lash out in your offline life. Cry on the shoulders of your friends and family; use them to vent your frustrations, but leave it there. Remember that if things get ugly and you wind up going to court, everything that you say or do can be introduced into evidence. Remember also that when the court is required to consider the best interests of the children, section 37(2) of the Family Law Act says that the court must think about:

(e) the child's need for stability, given the child's age and stage of development;

(g) the impact of any family violence on the child's safety, security or well-being, whether the family violence is directed toward the child or another family member;

(h) whether the actions of a person responsible for family violence indicate that the person may be impaired in his or her ability to care for the child and meet the child's needs;

(i) the appropriateness of an arrangement that would require the child's guardians to cooperate on issues affecting the child, including whether requiring cooperation would increase any risks to the safety, security or well-being of the child or other family members;

while section 16(3) of the Divorce Act says that the court must think about:

(c) each spouse’s willingness to support the development and maintenance of the child’s relationship with the other spouse;

(h) the ability and willingness of each person in respect of whom the order would apply to care for and meet the needs of the child;

(i) the ability and willingness of each person in respect of whom the order would apply to communicate and cooperate, in particular with one another, on matters affecting the child;

(j) any family violence and its impact on, among other things,

(i) the ability and willingness of any person who engaged in the family violence to care for and meet the needs of the child, and

(ii) the appropriateness of making an order that would require persons in respect of whom the order would apply to cooperate on issues affecting the child;

The part about the appropriateness of an arrangement that would require the child's guardians to cooperate is really important. Think about it.

Among other things, you will want to avoid:

1. making complaints about your ex in their professional capacity to any regulatory bodies, like the College of Physicians and Surgeons, the Association of Clinical Counsellors, the College of Social Workers or the Law Society;
2. making bogus complaints about your ex to child protection services or the police;
3. reporting your ex to the Canada Revenue Agency, financial institutions or credit rating agencies;
4. making complaints about your ex to their employer;
5. badmouthing your ex in social, recreational or cultural clubs; and,
6. contacting the media abour your ex, your relationship, your separation or events following your separation.

Here's a helpful suggestion. Act as if everything you write, say or do will find its way into an affidavit.

Respecting boundaries, respecting privacy

case of w slagging H online, damages awarded

revenge porn

fake profiles on dating apps

fake personal ads

privacy tips and cautions

can't open other's mail

can't hack into email, social media accounts

can't access other's bank account

change passwords on IOT, email, social media, router

privacy tips and cautions

can't open other's mail

can't hack into email, social media accounts

can't access other's bank account

personal communicaiton -- email, texts available for ever.... assume that everything you send is going to wind up in an affidavit.

Discouraging bad behaviour

change passwords on IOT, email, social media, router

Resources and links

Legislation

• Family Law Act
• Divorce Act

Links

• Legal Services Society’s Family Law website's information page on Separation & Divorce
• Department of Justice's website "Divorce and Separation"
• BC Counsellors by Practice Area
• BC Association of Clinical Counsellors
• Association for Marriage and Family Therapy

This information applies to British Columbia, Canada. Last reviewed for legal accuracy by JP Boyd, 13 March 2020.

JP Boyd on Family Law © John-Paul Boyd and Courthouse Libraries BC is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 Canada Licence.